Howling at the Silver Crescent Moon

Endings

2009-10-21T06:41:56Z

Things haven't exactly been going well for me lately.
I'm still in the midst of a horrible depression... it's been about two months long now with no real end in sight. I keep hoping that I'll come out of it, and I have moments of happiness and moments of feeling like I'm getting better, but overall it continues to hang over me.

Jason and I are now legally divorced. I'm not nearly over it though. I'm not really sure how to grieve over the loss of something when I don't feel like it was meant to be in the first place. It's a strange situation. I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll get this wave of sadness knowing that I'll never get to experience it again. It's the loss of the friendship that bothers me. If I could go back in time and do things over, I would have just remained good friends.
It's scary being on my own now. But it's where I need to be. I hope eventually I'll be able to come to peace about everything. I still am harboring a lot of guilt.

I quit my job at the SPCA. My last day was just over a week ago. I'm extremely sad and frustrated that I had to leave. It wasn't a choice that I wanted to make, but I simply could not handle the physical and emotional toll of working in an animal shelter while going through a terrible depression.
I was so exhausted physically that I would spend most nights after work barely managing to eat dinner before collapsing in bed. I was struggling to do even basic housework at home, and struggling to get everything done at work. Watching cats I cared about sitting around waiting to be adopted, and getting depressed themselves made everything even worse.
At the beginning of October I ended up breaking down crying a couple hours into the day. I talked to my boss and managed to get a few days off right away to try and recover enough that I could keep working. I spent the majority of the days off sleeping and relaxing. But when I got back to work I was right back to being so completely drained I could hardly function. So when my boss talked to me again about how I was doing, I had to admit that I was not doing well at all, and needed to leave.
At least I left on good terms. My boss told me that she would gladly hire me back if I am able to get well enough to work there again. I'm hoping to get to a point where I can at least volunteer once a week.

Since quitting my job I've spent most of my time in bed. I'm still completely exhausted. I manage to do a bit of cleaning here and there, but any bit of work wipes me out so I'm struggling to get on top of everything I need to do.
I'm seeing small bits of progress... but it's very slow.

Meanwhile with the time off, my clubbing started to get out of control. I'll be exhausted all day, but somehow manage to get a second wind at night and get dressed up and go out and drink... and drink... and dance... and drink...
Not good. That whole situation has become too much to handle as well. I can't party like I'm 20 anymore, especially while going through a terrible depression. It just doesn't work out.

At this point it seems as though I need to cut that out of my life as well. Which is a shame... because it really can bring me moments of joy and inspiration. But at this point it's only doing the opposite and fueling my poor self-esteem and alcohol issues. I'm no longer dressing up and dancing to please me, but in some vain attempt to maintain this image I've created. The image that I'm this interesting, passionate, vibrant person... when in reality I feel like the exact opposite right now.

I'm not really sure what that leaves me with.
I don't exactly want to spend my days alone in bed.
I still have Daniel, and my kitties. But I can't rely on them for support 24/7. I need to figure something else out... for me... I have ideas but nothing is materializing yet. I feel too drained and burnt out to even do the simplest of things like schedule a massage.
I'm hoping I'll manage to pull myself out of this slowly. I need to focus on every little thing I do right. To not get overwhelmed or lost in how much I need to recover. And I need to accept that this is my reality. Wondering 'why me?' accomplishes nothing at this point. I've been dealt the hand of having severe depression and I need to figure out how to play it. I've already lost so much in my life from it, I don't want to lose anything more.

Death of One, Hope for Another

2009-10-06T09:02:32Z

This part's for my Love of Old
How the rose in your heart you hold
Still all the water in your wells won't make it grow

Oh, the call of the nightingale
How I love beneath the ghostly sails
We move like Gypsies 'neath the mist and beneath the gloom

This part's for my Love of New
How the bulbs in my heart are true
They send the shoots through my fingers into your bones

Oh, the call of the collared dove
How I long to be your one true Love
We'll move like Gypsies 'neath the stars and beneath the moon

Oh, how the river flows
Under the ice and snow
The keeper of the flame
The Rose Captain knows our names
This perfume breath we breathed
For you my Dear, my Love,
Will never leave

Oh, the Rose Captain knows, knows our names
Oh, the Rose Captain knows, he knows our names
~Sea Wolf

I'd like to get off now please

2009-09-13T06:02:14Z

I seem to be caught in a yo-yo.

I'm having so much fun living in this world class city, I love my job and my apartment and life, I'm reaching all new levels of creativity!
No wait, I'm sick to death of traffic and getting up before dawn and electric lights beaming into my bedroom all night, and I have lost any sense of being artistic, I'm rehashing the same shit, I have no direction, I want to move into the middle of nowhere!
Oh wait, didn't I move here to get away from nowhere?

Shit...

So now what?

On Friday I opted to stay in instead of going out and drinking at Death Rock Dive Bar. Daniel wasn't feeling well, and I figured I'd hang out with him. We rented Dexter and had a marvelous time watching a serial killer chase a serial killer who hunts serial killers... while munching on tons of popcorn and hemp-milk ice cream of course. Laying next to him in bed I felt so at ease and at peace.

Then there was today. We woke up to a gray, drizzly environment. The few bouts of thunder did more to make me miss real thunderstorms than get me excited about the day. I wanted to go into the city to get sushi from my favourite place and then hit some thrift stores. Simple, relaxing day... well of course I keep forgetting I'm in the East Bay now and have that damnable bridge to deal with. It's bad enough I have to fork over $4 every time, but to sit in terrible traffic too? Ugh I am *so* over it. Then there is driving around for parking, which after being stuck in traffic, is even more frustrating. And I swear they've upped the rates. $2 an hour? Really? Who carries that much change around?
At least the sushi rocked as always. And I was naughty and bought this ridiculous fur stole with real claws and heads. I'm tired of being good all the time. And I'm in a much more morbid frame of mind these days.
But then there is more traffic on the way back. The new detour they put in is really slowing things down, and I imagine it will only get worse as construction for the new span continues.

Sigh...

So what does this tell me?
I'm not quite sure. I mean clearly snuggling with a cute boy watching weird things is much preferable than venturing out for some fun in the city these days.
But at the same time, it's not because I'm ~getting old~ or ~settling down~. It's because I'm sick to death of everything being an undertaking around here. I want to actually *do* things instead of dealing with drivers cutting me off or bumping into people in overcrowded stores.
I suppose that's the irony of it all. I'm in a big city so that I have lots of stuff to do. But doing anything is such a hassle because it's a big city.

When I get frustrated with it all, I start planning my escape route. To somewhere quiet and sane and surrounded by nature. But lets be realistic... I'd get bored. I'd complain there is nothing ever to do and I'm sick of going to the same restaurant and the same thrift store.
I wish I could find some sort of happy medium, but I haven't really... Denver seems to be the closest so far. Much cheaper rent, but a good goth scene. But I've never actually been there, so who knows.
And when I really start to think of leaving here I freak out a bit, because there really are some good parts to being here, and it seems to have some sort of spell that ultimately wins me over.

However, I need to deal with this stress. It's just getting completely out of control. I'm going from really happy one day, to horribly depressed the next, combined with bouts of bad anxiety, thinking too much about death, my touch sensitivity making it hard for me to get dressed to the point that I melt down. I've even had some moments of psychosis again. And today I broke a mirror.
Bad, bad, bad...

I'm really not in the mood to do therapy again anytime soon. I'm just so over talking about it. Medication doesn't even need to be a consideration, after what happened before there is simply *no way* I will ever touch anything resembling psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
When I look and see what really works, in the long run, it's stuff like massage from someone who knows what they are doing and can release stored up tension, dancing, aromatherapy, having vacations planned so I have something to look forward to, and feeling spiritually connected.
The dancing I've got covered, and since I've missed the past two Death Guilds it's no wonder I'm chomping at the bit. I need to burn more incense, but that's easy. Massage and Vacations cost money I don't have, but I'm hoping once I'm more financially secure in the near future that I'll be able to invest more in them. As far as the spiritual stuff is concerned... I feel like I've lost my way a bit. I'm trying too hard, and in the wrong areas. I need to just sit more. I need to stop being so boxed in with my routine at home. I need to get off the computer and go walk in the woods.

My biggest fear at this point is that I'll do all that stuff and I'll *still* have terrible depression and anxiety and all that lovely stuff. So I'll move somewhere else, and it follows me there. So I go back into more intensive therapy, and still the same. I try all sorts of alternative options, and then keep ending up back here. And meanwhile everyone around me just leaves, gets sick of me, wonders why I can't find a way to get better, why I don't try harder.
Meanwhile I'm so damn tired of trying. I'm so tired of therapy and I've been out of it for nearly a year. I just do no want to go that route anytime soon, I know it will only drain the hell out of me. But that seems to leave me nowhere, and make me seem like I'm not wanting to get better, when it isn't the case. It's hard to explain...
At this point I've simply come to realize that it's much better to find away to arrange my life so I'm the most happy naturally, than to keep fighting and trying to go against the stream and then be in therapy so that I'm 'doing something'. It makes more sense for me to work on getting my life so that I'm in a situation where most of my time can be devoted to dancing and making hairpieces and taking neat road trips. Because that's what makes me happy. Fuck being responsible. I want to be a happy girl... not a serious woman in therapy.

Clearly the balance has gone too far off. I need more play in my life. I need less sitting in traffic and more driving through bizarre desert landscapes. I need less getting up at 5am and more dancing until 5am.
Sitting around analyzing why I'm depressed will only make me more depressed. Just saying 'fuck-it' already, and embracing the fact that I'm always going to be a young-at-heart weirdo who wants to explore and create and never settle down and get a real job, is what will make me happy.

Now to figure out how to achieve this...

Grey

2009-08-27T00:32:16Z

I'm going through a really bad depression. The worst I've had in a long time.
Things are dragging on, despite being told that they wouldn't. I'm beyond broke for the time being. It's simply too expensive here. I'm going through all my purses for random change so that I can buy food. I sold a ton of CDs so that I could go out to Death Guild and dance and stay sane.
After this experience I'm never looking at a dollar the same way again. I cannot fathom how wasteful people are, including myself when I had more.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm capable of. I'm holding things together, but barely. I have moments of suicidal thoughts, or putting myself back in the hospital. I feel like I'm just never going to get a good grip on life.
Maybe it's just this area. I mean I do have a job, and I work hard at it and I get praise from my coworkers and supervisor. But I can't live off the wages. Not unless I got rid of my cats, my car, and moved into a small room in a bad neighbourhood and ate crap. I want to live, not just survive.
I'd like to imagine that I could live off of my job somewhere else, that's cheaper. Where I don't have to deal with bridge tolls and 45 minute commutes and expensive food.
Do I runaway yet again? To where? Maybe Colorado, Wyoming if I really want to be alone... but what about Daniel? Will I just get depressed there too? What about going back to school? For what?

Ugh.

I'm just tired. Exhausted from work, from noisy neighbours banging shit all night, from trying to live off so little.
I hope at least one part will be over with soon. So that I can focus on the rest. Because I can't last like this forever.

Katabatik @ Lizzybird Terminus @ 14-08-09

2009-08-16T22:24:02Z

Slam it, Jam it

2009-08-13T03:03:33Z

I've got my nose to the grindstone right now. Working my ass of at the shelter. We've had a pretty bad ringworm outbreak, ugh.
The word of the summer is 'Workhorse'. That's how I feel, and I love it. I remember when I was a kid on the local soccer team, I would pretend I was a big strong horse when I was chasing down the ball or standing my ground defending the net. Now I plough away at cleaning cages, feeding hungry mouths, and making sure my workspace is neat and clean, the way I like it. It's so nice to feel strong again, and to remember that my high standards and perfectionism aren't always a curse.

While my job has revealed my strong work ethic, it has also revealed that I am far more shy than even I had imagined. Which sucks to say the least. I've heard a couple times now that I'm quiet, it wasn't said to me as if to be negative, just observations. Today we had a going away party for a supervisor and while everyone else was chatting away being all social, I just sat there by myself all awkward and nervous.
My shyness is really starting to frustrate me. I don't like it. I want to be more outgoing and talkative amongst others. But no matter how I seem to try, when I get in those situations my brain just shuts down and I can't think of anything to say and I just freeze. Then I worry I must be coming off as very cold which just makes me more freaked out, and so on. I'm not really sure how to tackle this issue. I've been this way my entire life. I'm going to have to figure something out though, because I really am getting frustrated with my inability to be part of normal social situations.

And on the other side of the coin, my clubbing life keeps improving. A few weeks ago at Death Guild a woman came up to me and said she was a photographer from the Bay Guardian, that she loved my outfit and how it looked in the light and could I stand still so she could get a good shot. So I briefly posed for her, and thought that was kinda neat. Then a week or so ago the Bay Guardian came out with their "Best of the Bay" issue, and Death Guild won "Best Dark Kiss" (haha love it) and there was the picture of me in the paper! Ahaha, crazy, my 15 milliseconds of fame :P
Though I must say I'm rather surprised at the number of people who've come up to me at Death Guild since saying, "hey your picture was in the Guardian right?!". I admit I enjoy it hehe. I guess that's how I compensate for being so shy... by living things up in the place where I feel most at home.

Aside from clubbing, I've been enjoying watching this crazy show with Daniel about 10 people who are in a simulated post-apocalyptic environment trying to survive. It's quite good really and interesting to see how people take on different roles, and how some people work endlessly while others shrink to the sidelines. I guess that's just humanity.
I had a fun Sunday, Daniel and I drove up to Fisherman's Wharf. Not something we would normally do, but a friends of his was visiting and she wanted to check out the Musee Mechanique. It was super crowded since the weather was gorgeous. But being able to play the two player sit-down version of Ms. Pac-Man was totally worth it. Daniel also packed us a picnic lunch complete with salmon & tartar sauce he made himself from duck eggs, he's so awesome! So we walked to a grassy area overlooking the Bay and ate yummy food. I had just commented that day how I missed walking barefoot in grass, and then I got my chance... the Universe is happy with me it seems :)

I cooked Borsch tonight, with fresh ingredients from the Farmer's Market. Despite the tough work days and getting up at 5:15am, I've managed to keep my place super clean. And I'm finally getting a hang of this living super cheap deal. Life is hard, but it's still good... Too easy makes me lazy anyways.

Random Beauty

2009-08-06T05:20:13Z

Swirling, Swirling over the Golden Gate

2009-07-27T02:12:37Z

Oh what's going on in my life, more of the same, more of the different.
I feel like I don't journal enough, but never seem to be in the state where everything that is floating around in my head coalesces into a coherent block for long enough for me to write it down. Instead I seem to have profound but fleeting thoughts that flit through my head as I vacuum the carpet or scoop cat litter.

I could run down the list of things that I've been up to, as is the usual course. These would include getting drunk on tropical drinks with Daniel and then going to see Up in 3D (I cried throughout most of it, I'm a softy :P), getting completely wired on the weasel vomit coffee with Daniel and dancing like fiends at Death Guild, munching on post-club-drunken burger goodness and then going home for, well... and getting restless with Daniel on a Friday night and so venturing into the city to find *something* to do and ending up at a Dub night on 6th street amongst the 'colourful' street life. Hmmm, I'm sensing a bit of a theme here.

But there's been so much more than that going on.

On Friday I had a short but intense panic attack about Death in the morning, seemingly out of nowhere. At my lunch break I checked my voice-mail and got a message from my mom saying that my Grandmother's cancer is back and it's not looking good. I don't have a valid passport. I've been putting it off mostly because of the divorce and the possible legal name change back to my maiden name, but also subconsciously and partially-consciously because the last two funerals I went to just so happened to occur when the whole family was together and able to go... so in a weird way I thought that by not being able to go back to Canada I would somehow stave off any future deaths in the family. Not the most intelligent leap of logic I know, but that's how these faulty human brains work unfortunately....
So now I must find someway to get myself to Toronto in the near future. Though I have zero money, no passport, and am already emotionally and physically drained with taking care of homeless cats and dealing with the divorce still hanging over me. It just never ends does it? But that's life.
Whenever I start to get all waaaahhhh life sucks I think of this Kids in the Hall sketch, and somehow I feel much better.

Yeah, Thats-a-life.... Haha. We all go through it, might as well accept it.

So I just work work work, trying to get all my shit sorted, both in terms of my physical stuff and the mental bits inside my head. The work never ends, but if it did, I'd probably just get bored and uninspired.

I want a kitten, and to be Alice once again.

Why So Quiet

2009-07-20T04:38:16Z

Hard to believe it's been two weeks since the mutant fest. Time flies by, but I'm finally at a place where I don't really mind. I'm almost never bored, and there's no rush to accomplish anything other than the next adventure. The rest tends to take care of itself through the existence of desire and passion.

But I suppose I should say some things about the mutant fest rather than just posting pictures.
While on one hand the fest could be seen as another road-trip-slash-outdoor-party, much like the dozens of others I've gone to since moving here, it was in essence the ending to a shift that got set in motion a year ago, some time between Gemini and meeting Daniel.

The Journey began by driving to Ashland, Oregon. We passed through desert with temperatures in the 100's, and then through winding mountain roads with spectacular views of lakes and snow-capped peaks. We even had a magnificent lightening show just after Mount Shasta at the border with Oregon, with some of the brightest and largest bolts I've ever seen. We drove straight into the storm, the temperature dropped 20 degrees within minutes and the rain came down so hard it was like being underwater. And like some strange transition, we made it through into dry land with the temperature jumping right back to where it began. We arrived at the hostel exhausted but in high spirits.
The next day we stocked up on fresh food from the local co-op, soaked up the relaxed energy of Ashland, and then headed into the Umpqua National Forest. Searching for a source of water to fill up Daniel's container resulted in a bit of a detour involving stumbling upon a picturesque waterfall and a small lake resort that felt like a time capsule from childhood. Then it was onto gravel roads to reach the festival.

The Mutant Fest was similar to the previous parties I'd been to, but also rather different in a few key areas. There is no central organization, and no central dance area. Instead various collectives setup their own sound-systems, decorations, and so forth wherever they please. For as large as it is, there's no facilities at all (I've been to renegade parties before but not one that was this large or long). The musical styles were also quite varied, though generally stuck to the electronic and dark side of things.
The scenery was very pretty, with tall cedar and fir trees surrounding two marshy meadows. There was also a medium sized river a short distance away where one could swim during the hot daytime. The only problem with the location was the mosquitoes, which made preparing food a pain in the ass at times. But they went away at night when the main activities occurred, so it wasn't too terrible overall. Daniel and I set up camp near the Katabatik sound-system, next to an interesting wood structure people had built, and a grave marker for a Ranger who used to patrol the area.

The first night involved finishing off some magical Monzie treats that we had at NYE. It was a good way to transition into this altered reality and to connect it back to the previous party, especially since many of the same people were there. We listened to amazing throat singing while this random girl started doing bizarre and sometimes impressive contortions to the music. We did some dancing ourselves, at times it felt like I was in the book Where the Wild Things Are, with all the strange characters moving around me. We explored the various camps, getting a feel for the area and how to get around in the darkness without falling or running into a tree.
By the next morning I was fully in mutant mode, and my worries about the shelter cats and the divorce and the uncertain future were miles and miles away. After skinny dipping in the cold refreshing water I felt very renewed. And our willingness to pick up strangers was rewarded with our now empty Monzie getting some more treats.

That night was to be a rather important night for me. It's hard to explain here, in a public entry... since I don't want to spell things out *too* obviously, though you can try and play along at home haha. You see, while I consider myself not to be a novice at bending the rules of reality, there was one particular area in which I had yet to venture. And not so much of my own doing, or lack of knowing the way, but because my previous partner in crime insisted that I never join him on those trips. This resulted in me having somewhat of a complex about it, as one might imagine. Not only due to feeling controlled, which in probably one of the worst things you can do to a bird-like creature such as myself, but also because it felt like this inequality was being maintained on purpose, as if to keep me in a lower position. And now here was this new person in my life, who knows me well, and they were willing to go with me after a year where someone else wasn't willing even after seven years.
As to the place in particular, if you read the title of Part Five of my pictures, it's rather obvious.
Any fears that I had about my abilities or 'hidden issues' were soon put to rest. I took to things even better than I thought and I had a marvelous time. Most of our evening was spent at Katabatik. The music was otherworldly, and absolutely perfect for my frame of mind. At one point we ended up going to even yet another new place, Dead Man's Territory. It seemed as though if I had taken a second to pause and actually evaluate what was going on, I would have fallen right over due to how far away we had gone. But with no need for concerns, we slipped right in to this new world and danced and moved amongst each other like strange figures in some Salvador Dali painting. I felt so at home and yet so far away from the real world.
It's hard to really describe the night, but an attempt would involve long-haired cave men dancing like owls one second and playing death metal the next, swirling around like wraiths, traversing past Liopleurodon Puddles (don't get sucked into the portal! remember what side it is on), over temporary bridges and fallen trees, and relaxing on soft cozy cushions or under a chandelier that somehow made itself home in the middle of the forest.
The night made me feel extremely close with Daniel, I felt so safe with him, and it seemed natural for us to be constantly at one another's side. I was so happy that I got to experience this with him. And the evening ended on a perfect note, with us wandering down to the meadow to watch the sun rise by ourselves. It was so peaceful and romantic. Then it was back to the coziness of our tent, to fall asleep curled up together.

Unfortunately with every high there comes a low. Or in other terms, we live in an imperfect reality. The previous night's bliss was shattered by the screams of some guy outside our tent. Stuff about getting the fuck away from him and other such hostile stuff. It was hard at first to piece together what was going on. I had only slept a few hours. I opened up the window in the tent expecting to see a fight, but it was only one person, who was freaking completely out, falling all over the place and screaming at invisible people to leave him alone.
He started smashing through our kitchen, knocking over our tables and stove. We got out of our tent, as did some people around us. Attempts were made to calm him down, give him water, get him to the main road. But he was extremely out of it, and violent, so there wasn't much anyone could do. No one knew who he was. Eventually he thrashed his way further down the hill and out of our area. Later in the day we talked to other people we knew who had encounters with him too, but no one knew him or knew exactly what the deal was.
At first it seemed like a funny story, some random guy gets messed up and passes like a tornado through our campsites. Things started to take a bad turn when I found his pants by our tent. I looked through them quickly to see if he had lost his wallet, so we could perhaps get it back to him and such. Well I found drugs, and his wallet, and his only ID was a felony card. Urk.
Things got *extremely* bad that evening when I was getting dressed and Daniel came to the tent saying he had something to tell me and I could tell by the tone that it wasn't going to be good. Turns out the guy was found dead, face down in the meadow. Daniel had seen the body to help identify him. I was pretty shocked, needless to say. I'd never been at a party where someone had died before. People speculated that he overdosed on something, but who knows really. Daniel took the pants down to the meadow. The Rangers were called and they showed up later in the night to remove the body. And that was that.
I'd like to say that such a thing had some huge profound effect on me, but I guess in reality it didn't, at least not in comparison to the very positive events of the night before. Perhaps it sounds completely cruel, but people die all the time, and that's just life. I mean I feel bad, and really wish there was *something* we could have done, but given how things went down there really wasn't, and I didn't know him at all. It was strange though thinking how you could see someone alive one moment and then the next you know they are gone. That's always the thing that freaks me out about death.

The rest of the trip was more mellow, a slow journey back to every day life. We stopped at Ashland for the night again. And the next day explored the city. It ended up leaving a much stronger impression on me than I thought it would. There's a freshness to it, and to other parts of Oregon. A feeling that life is on the verge of new growth and opportunity, a chance to really start coming back together and piecing together communities the way they ought to be. It's quite the contrast to California, where so much of the focus tends to be on the decay, the downfall.

It's funny how a few days off on some adventure can encapsulate life as a whole. The combining of people into new life, the death of others. It's really quite amazing really. And more and more one sees that the key to it all is to just let go of the fear and continue on.
Not much else to say about it.

AMF Part VI - Kaleidoscopic Endings

2009-07-10T04:49:26Z

AMF Part V - Liquid Skies Dreaming

2009-07-10T04:38:06Z

AMF Part IV - Temporary Independence

2009-07-10T04:27:32Z

AMF Part III - Woodland Interludes

2009-07-10T04:18:47Z

AMF Part II - Familiarizing Territory

2009-07-10T04:06:24Z

AMF Part I - Into the Unknown

2009-07-10T03:58:34Z

Cracking Pavement, back to the Woods

2009-07-02T05:12:37Z

I'm leaving for Oregon with Daniel tomorrow. We're off to the Autonomous Mutant Festival via Ashland.
I've never been to this particular outdoor party, but I'm excited because it seems like it will be a blast, Daniel's been going for a decade so it can't be that bad :P
It's sad that I missed Gemini this year, but really I didn't feel like it would be a good idea to show up given current situations. Oh well, times change, and I need to adapt.
I seem to be doing a better job at that than I thought I would. I still often think of myself as broken, that I can't handle stress, that I'm weak... because of the whole mental breakdown. But considering how slammed I've been at work (and getting up at 5:15am to do it), and trying to set up my apartment, and dealing with the divorce, I'm surprised at how well I've held up.
No major freakouts have occurred in recent months. I did end up crying at work and having to leave two hours early after I made the mistake of trying to deal with divorce paperwork on my lunch hour when I was already exhausted. Today I felt like shit after work and was afraid I couldn't possibly get everything packed, but Daniel came over and helped me out and everything is now ready to go.
Meanwhile at work, people are calling in sick left and right. We've had some easement in the past couple weeks, but still the workload is beyond reasonable for extended periods of time. Hence the frequent burnout of coworkers. I have the unfortunate position of opening the adoption area 3 days a week, something that *needs* to get done and thus is a problem if I call in sick, plus I'm a perfectionist and a people-pleaser, which results in me never calling in sick and working myself to death.
But of course the upside to that is constant proof that I can push myself and I won't break. I'm feeling the most stable I have in years actually, and the past year has been extremely clear memory wise, compared to previous years that were just a hazy blur.
I don't know how much of this has to do with the ending of my marriage. I don't blame anyone for the state I was in, but it's interesting to see how much I've improved. I really do feel like I needed to be living on my own like I am now, feeling independent.

So I'm really looking forward to this weekend, this is going to be a different outdoor party than all the previous ones I've been to. I'll be much more in control of my own actions. I have a feeling it will be a wild and wondrous adventure...

The Dance of the Infinity

2009-06-23T10:56:17Z

Another night of dancing, another night of feet getting more blisters, joints getting stiffer... Another year around the sun. The final song was a new one by VNV Nation, I remarked to the DJ how I cannot believe that it has been a decade since I first saw them live. 'But it's the memories that it creates', he replied. How true...
I'm in my last year of my 20's now, my birthday was this Saturday. And I'm finally not so afraid of aging. I still do what I love. I still feel relevant, needed, part of the world. And how would time ever change that?
I'm glad the current system is falling apart. I'm glad people are seeing through the cracks.
I watched a report on the 'new' America, and a woman commented that now that the illusion of money is being shattered, the elderly will be allowed to look old. Middle-aged will be allowed to look middle-aged.
Thank fucking God.
We all know that this youth worship, lamenting over passed time, value of surface 'sex appeal' over real beauty, leads to nothing but frustration and feelings of worthlessness. But as a culture we bought into it. And whatever the reasons, it was taken far too seriously for far too long.
And now I enter the second half of my Saturn return. And so does the society around me.
Much has been broken down over the past year. What we thought would bring us happiness was revealed to be nothing but a house of cards, waiting to collapse when we finally stopped holding our breath.
And yet with this destruction comes a new sense of what's real. We've always known it, of course. But it so easily becomes lost in the over growth. In too many commercials and worries and forced upon dreams. And as in nature, when the forest becomes overwhelmed with thickets of dead branches, the cleansing fire comes to destroy the unnecessary, allowing new life to thrive.

The next year of my life is going to be extremely hard.
I'm given the choice of whether I'm going to step up and do what I know I'm supposed to do, even though it will involve a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and confidence... or if I will try and take the easy route and skirt around the issue.

But on a lighter note, I feel like I have someone who will really support me in my corner.
My birthday was such a blast, many thanks to Daniel.
We went out for Absinthe brunch, which as we all know is one of my favourite things in the world to do. We had caviar and I melted away into Russian fairytale land. After cocktails, and perfectly cooked eggs and crab sandwiches, and more cocktails... I was pretty much the happiest girl around.
After brunch we headed to the Marina area. We walked by the docks where I was able to hear the familiar and memory inducing sound of wire tinging against metal masts. We sat on a bench and watched a crane prance across the small beach. We walked along the waters of the Palace of Fine Arts, marveling over the gorgeous weather. I was even able to feed the Mute Swans some clovers. I touched one on the forehead, and he grabbed my finger with his beak, haha. I'm so glad I got my tattoo, I will be forever connected to them.
I continued my girly princess theme by stopping at a delightful candy store, where I picked up gourmet red licorice from Australia, frog gummy candies, and a Birthday cupcake with strawberry buttercream frosting. Daniel got chocolate that looked like a real sardine.
We stopped at yet another place to grab a strawberry mojito smoothie and a vegan peanut-butter/chocolate cupcake. As such, much delicious sugar was consumed while basking in the sun.
Eventually we returned to the East Bay. Since we were both in a sugar/Absinthe brunch coma, we decided to forgo the numerous events in the city that night, and opt for renting an outdoor hot-tub instead. Whatever little stress that remained melted away, and I must say that for the first time, in a very, very long time I feel completely renewed and refreshed and ready to tackle the next phase of my life. I thought I would be scared to turn 29, but instead I'm so excited. And the best part is, I'm not just saying that! Hahahaha...
Oh no wait, the best part is that I got the most insane present ever from Daniel.
We enjoy watching this TV show about weird foods around the world. And tend to talk about trying strange things, etc, and I mentioned a couple times about that coffee where the weird primate eats the coffee beans and then craps them out and they are collected...
Well Daniel found me something just as (or even more) crazy... Weasel Coffee!! The Weasels eat the fresh coffee beans and then regurgitate them, which the locals (in Vietnam) then collect and roast and make coffee with. Haha so awesome!
So the plan is to pick a good club night, and get all hopped up on the Weasel vomit coffee that he got me, and then go out and dance like a bunch of crazed vermin.
Wiggle Shwiggle, Weasel Sneasel!!!

So what's the moral of the story?
Don't worry about crap going down, because in the end it will just turn into a novelty item and we'll all keep on having fun and living our dreams on this kooky planet...
(Haha, keep on dancing, the music never really stops)

God Damn

2009-06-09T10:29:43Z

Could Patrick Wolf be any hotter?
Seriously I can't remember the last time I felt this young and OMG he's so hot, I must buy all his albums and worship him!
Hahaha.
I saw him live tonight, and it did not disappoint, quite the opposite, and even despite the fact that I was probably twice the age as half the kids there, haha.

The last few days have been so wonderful. I feel a new sense of excitement about life.

(More details later when I am not exhausted in the middle of the night.)

It's so nice to have a muse again.

Floppity Flop Flop

2009-06-04T02:35:36Z

Two weekends ago Daniel and I went to a very interesting party.
It was a benefit for the Autonomous Mutant Festival (which I really hope I can get the time off for) thrown by S.P.A.Z. and Katabatik. The location for the evenings festivities was quite the treat, now known as The Bordello, it was previously known as Mr. Floppy's Flophouse and has a rather sordid past from being an actual Bordello to being a performance space for Psychic TV.
Needless to say, I was excited for the opportunity to visit, and was most certainly not let down. Walking into the place, I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into some sort of alternate reality where everything was not quite as it seemed. From the impressive old-time wooden bar complete with taxidermy heads on the wall, the antique dentist chair with a tray for drug preparation, half-floors and grated walkways, many hidden rooms with odd lighting, vintage urinals and sinks in completely random locations, to strange instruments and an odd 'cabin by the sea' feel... well I can only surmise that whenever renovation and decoration was done it was under the heavy influence of psychedelics and God knows what else.
It's probably a good thing I had forgotten my camera at home, I could have spent hours upon hours photographing the place. Instead I plunged head first into the Bordello atmosphere... drinking Elderflower and champagne cocktails, twisting around on the dancefloor to dark, decadent beats, and exploring the mansion on tippy-toes.
The energy of the place was amazing, and well, lets just say it made me want to use the place for its original intended purpose, so I grabbed Daniel and wandered until we found a suitable hidden room with a bed. I don't think you have to use much imagination to guess what came next... At one point someone walked in on us too, haha. I'm quite happy to be able to check off 'having sex with a hot guy in a vintage flophouse' on my list of crazy things to do in my life.
More dancing and drinking and general festivities went on until the wee hours of the night, when we were finally exhausted enough to drag ourselves away from the Bordello and crash in bed back home. I hope that at some point I will be able to return, I'm definitely going to be keeping this place on watch...

Late Night, After Club, Observations...

2009-06-02T10:36:42Z

1) I'm in love with Daniel much more than I want to admit. Between the divorce and possible 'relationship dynamics' problems, I've tried to hold back. I don't want to profess my love here only to break up in a few weeks and seem like an idiot. But we've known eachother almost a year now, and the more I get to know him the more I love him. So despite my guilt, I just have to say how much I'm head over heels in love with Daniel, and if this comes back to bite me, so be it...

2) I'm more than a decade older than the youngest that can go to Death Guild. Wow. When the hell did this happen? Why am I talking to guys who are 19??? Seriously... I'm almost 30, have been married and soon to be divorced, and yet still feel like that young 20 year old girl who just wants to be carefree and dance all night.
The saving grace in all of this is not only can I dance all night, but I can do it up on the stage, in front of the crowd, and hold my own against kids who are much much younger than me. "Still got it!" Is a phrase that accurately describes the situation. We all hear about boohoo getting older sucks, but I'm soon to be 29 and can still dance longer/better than the 19/20/21 year olds.... Fuck Yeah!

3) I'm insanely shy. No seriously. When I'm in a normal social situation I completely clam up and act like an idiot because I have no idea how to interact with people. I really wish I wasn't this way because I am very friendly and love to make friends and am generally a happy, positive person. But I tend to come across as a complete bitch because I am so shy and will just sit there saying nothing. Ugh...
Like with Daniel's herbal school. I went on a desert camping trip with a bunch of his fellow students, and then saw them on Saturday at a party for the opening of the school's new location. I sooo wanted to be all social and friendly, but I got psycho shy and could only say a few things.
And yet when I am out at clubs I am queen of the ball. I have no fears, will talk to anyone about anything, and not be in the least bit shy.
I'm not sure why there has always been that distinction in my life. Club = very confident, social, outgoing girl... non-club = super shy, awkward, wish I could make friends...

4) I'm happy.

But I feel guilty.

And scared.

I just want to get over that already. Move completely on to the next phase of my life so that I can be with Daniel and having crazy adventures and not have this nagging feeling on the back of my mind.
It will (most likely) happen.
I need to be patient.
I need to not freak out over the fact that I am almost 1 year away from 30.
I need to get back into Zazen.
I need to let go, but not in a self-destructive way.

I need to get some sleep....

Letting Go

2009-05-25T04:12:42Z

I've begun the task of sorting through the rather large pile of belongings from Pacifica. They've been sitting in boxes, in my unused living room, like a physical manifestation of a mental block. I've been dreading this for months, but the time is right, and it feels liberating to finally be able to do it.
The experience has been strange. A mixture of sadness and relief. Confronting the guilt that I have.
Some stuff I still can't let go of. Old birthday cards, photographs... I guess I don't feel the need to completely purge myself at this point. But a large majority has to go.

It's strange how times change. Or I suppose it's time itself that is strange. This constant flow, the absolute direction. 'You'll never be home again' comes up over and over again. I guess the only solution is to make each moment your home.

Jason was literally the first person I met when I moved here almost 8 years ago. I lived with him, and was his partner for most of that time. When I saw him at a meeting a couple weeks ago, he seemed like a stranger. I look at pictures of us from the wedding and don't even recognize myself. Is that even us? Is who I am now at all related to who I was then? What is this substance that connects me to different moments that I have experienced across time?

Today Daniel and I watched a German movie about a boy living in East Germany, whose devout socialist mother falls into a coma just before the fall of the Berlin Wall. When she wakes up 8 months later, he goes to all extremes shielding her from the reality that communism has collapsed, fearing that the shock would destroy her. It reminded me how my grandfather, who grew up in the USSR, died just before the Wall came down. He never knew it happened.
I feel that way now. About my old life, in Canada, and with Jason. Those branches of reality go on without me. Time passes, things change, and I'm no longer a part of it.

But with the closing of those chapters, begins a new one. I'm excited about my future in so many ways. I feel closer to what I've been searching for my whole life. This vortex of dark beauty and fairytale dreams. I can taste it on my lips and know that it is real, and not just wishful thinking.
I need to let go in order to be swept away in this new current. My guilt and fears must be confronted.

I hope that Jason can move forward as well. Despite what happened, I still care about him, and I want him to realize that our realities were splitting apart for a reason. We have different paths to take now, and I wish him the best on his.

"Look around here and feel this place for the very last time
the very last...time
feel this flesh with your lonely flesh for the very last time
today is the very last time...good-bye"
~Lycia

Record Keeping

2009-05-17T16:08:02Z

Continuing on from my last post, what I've been up to lately:

-Went and saw Nommo Ogo at the Compound in San Francisco. Despite having an exact address it took us a half an hour of driving around and running into slabs of concrete where, by all accords, there should be roads, before finally finding the place behind a gate marked private. We then had to drive down a dusty road and cross a field before finally arriving at our destination. Who knew such remote spaces existed within the city?
We then lounged around in the dark, surrounded by speakers and wires. The show was quite fascinating, conjuring images of an ancient mystical cult calling forth some strange slumbering beast. It involved people dancing around in bizarre, insect like masks, and someone scratching away at a black substance covering a light source so as to project arcane symbols onto the walls. Strange evening.

-Went to NIMBY the next night. The space was huge, with both indoor and outdoor areas. It felt like being in a carnival that was having a bad acid trip, but in a good way, haha. There was a life-sized mousetrap game, that flung a bowling ball through a series of contraptions that ended with a large safe falling onto an unlucky object below. There was a fire safety demonstration featuring a gorilla in a hard hat, a fire engine that liked drugs, sexy nurses, and smoke himself. At one point smoke had his eyes ripped out. Then they set fire to some corpses. All in the name of safety!
We watched someone sing a love ballad while having bottle rockets shot at them. And we watched people playing Dance Dance Revolution... only this one was Immolation, and thus when you made a wrong step you were blasted with flames (they had on fireproof suits that were hooked up to an oxygen supply).
We walked amongst robots and creepy sculptures, and moving metal contraptions that spun fire. We danced to strange electronic beats next to a moon bunker. And saw someone thrash about to their songs amongst the crowd. Definitely one of the most interesting events I've been to, the description doesn't even seem real.

-Had a classic dinner and movie date with Daniel. We had yummy pub food in an outdoor garden, at a place just down from my apartment. Enjoyed some good beer, and laughed at stupid kids being drunk and having to leave. Went to Emeryville to watch the new Star Trek movie, the next one was sold out, so we got tickets for the one after that and then found a nearby bar and killed time by consuming tropical drinks and being silly. We both enjoyed the movie. But damn, popcorn is getting smaller and more expensive by the day it seems. Ah well, it was a fun and relaxing evening.

-Went to the How Weird festival. Got dresses up in sparkly blue and had Monzie with me. It was weird running into psytrance people that I haven't seen since the split with Jason. But they were friendly to me, which was nice. Still though, I felt a bit out of place. Despite that we had fun, danced at various stages, enjoyed a hookah out on the street, and drank homemade Damiana & blueberry liquor next to cops. Had a bunch of people take our picture, and enjoyed watching everyone else in their crazy and beautiful costumes. The weather was perfect, and the energy positive. It was a great way to start my switch to having weekends again.

-Yesterday was spent up in Sebastopol with Daniel's family. His sister lives up there and was performing in a play. We hung out a her place for a bit, where there were crazy chickens with big feathery feet. We walked around downtown and got yummy ice cream (rose flavour!). Then we drove to a tiny, cute town and had a nice dinner.
The play was rather good, especially for a small, community theater. It was about a detective in San Francisco in the '50's, trying to solve a missing person case. What started out as a classic who-done-it, slowly warped into a play about wacky psychics contacting the dead, the MK Ultra experiments, and alien abductions by Richard Nixon (he's one of them you know!).
Despite the heat, it was nice being out in the countryside for a change. Especially when I came back to Berkeley only to read that someone had been murdered in West Berkeley (not really near my neighbourhood, but still...) and the suspects took off in a car pursued by police, crashed into another car in North Oakland, killing the other motorist and a pedestrian. Two of the suspects then escaped and ran off somewhere, resulting in a police search by dogs an helicopters. I could hear the helicopters overhead, creepy. Don't know if they've caught them yet either. Makes me think maybe I should look more into moving to a smaller town in the future...

But things overall are going quite well. Kitten season has officially started, so it's about to get insane at work. I forgot how small and cute they are, and, unfortunately, how huge of a mess they can make.
The divorce is moving along. It's hard. So many conflicting emotions I still can't really process it. So it's just draining and I want it over with, and hope that things will be okay in the end.
I'm feeling somewhat on top of my life. I don't know what I am going to do in the future, in terms of whether or not to go back to school, and if so, for what. And I don't know if I want to live here much longer, but if I leave where would I go, and how to make sure that Daniel can come with me. But for some reason, that kind of uncertainty doesn't seem to bother me nearly as much as it did even a few months ago. I'm confident enough about life that I figure things will work themselves out. I'm able to just focus on what is going on in front of me, right now, and for the most part it's something fun and interesting or at least rewarding.

Drained, but Refilling

2009-05-03T06:08:40Z

The How to Destroy the Universe festival proved to be the How to Destroy Kahleida with too much partying festival.

Oy vey... Can't remember the last time I felt this run down for so long. It doesn't help that some sort of bug seems to be endlessly rotating through the workplace, and the whole Bay Area for that matter. I blame the stream of cold weather, which was freakishly interrupted when the temperature jumped at least 30 degrees for a couple days, only to drop back down again. This has been a strange year for weather so far.

I suppose I should attempt some sort of retrospect of last week, though too much went on to possibly recount it all.

Thursday was the Throbbing Gristle show. I got completely decked out in red and black poofy goodness, in the locker room at my work since I didn't have time to drive to the East Bay and back. As I was leaving I ran into one of the cleaning guys who said I looked "hella tight", haha.
Once at the venue, the Grand Ballroom, Daniel and I ran into some friends who were all equally excited. It made me really feel part of something. The fact that I could be at a large sold-out show in San Francisco and not have any issue bumping into people who were happy to see me there. I think the fact that I now legally live here has finally allowed me to let go of the past and truly consider this place my home.

But I digress.

After catching the opening band, and consuming alcohol, we positioned ourselves in a decent location, near the front, and awaited the show. When the band came out to a roar of applause, it struck me as really fucking cool that I was able to be a part of this show, seeing that they played their last show here when I wasn't even one years old. It made me appreciate the history of this scene even more.
The show can't really be described, you just had to be there. Of note was the fact that the house lights remained on pretty much the entire time. I don't think I've been at a show like that before, I'm so used to them dimming when the band comes on. Rather than detracting from things, I felt like it created a deeper sense of intimacy and connectedness... the audience was not just to be there standing passively in the dark.
The performance put me into a sort of trance-like state most of the time, just falling into the music and getting lost within it. Most of the crowd was the same way, you could practically feel the energy of each beat move through the audience.
There was one idiot around me though, who pushed his way in and wouldn't shut up talking. So I politely told him to be quiet. He acted all jerky about it, so second and then third person around me told him to shut the hell up too. He tried to pull "I like the band better than you do, I assure you!", but considering he was some fresh-faced early 20's scrawny guy surrounded by old industrialists who were probably listening to this stuff before he was even born, he quickly realized his error and scurried off.
The show went on and I continued to be carried away by the music, getting images and thoughts floating into my head that explored concepts of power, and what power really is versus how we tend to be told what it is. Specifically ideas about female power and how these stupid debates about dressing ultra girly vs. dressing in pants or going out into the corporate world vs. staying at home and being a mom and knitting sweaters are meaningless and that we are powerful simply *as is* and as females we so often forget this.
At this point the annoying guy from before is back behind me, and being irritating again. I picture in my mind him getting his beer spilled allover him. Next thing I know this metalish guy behind me grabs irritating guy by the collar and is pushing him out towards the exit, and spills his beer allover him, haha. I'm pleased that my little vision came true, and go back to the music.
5-10 minutes later the irritating guy is back and with two security guys. Ugh. I was in no mood for some sort of confrontation, I just wanted to get back to the show, plus I was happy the metal guy did something. So I quickly place myself between the metal guy and the irritating guy & the bouncers. I think in my head that I'll shield this guy from being seen. The irritating guy & bouncers were literally 2 feet from us, but just kept looking around confused. After a couple minutes they left, haha, success!
So I went back to the performance in peace. The final song was Discipline, and boy was the bass insane! It was so deep I could feel it vibrating in my chest and it practically made my teeth chatter, but at the same time didn't bother my ears. It went on like this, to the point that I could tell that some of the people around me were getting rather uncomfortable, which of course is some of the point. It was a great ending to a fantastic show.

Afterwards we went around the corner for the after-party, which was being thrown by the Katabatik people. It was in this neat little art bar, and they had someone doing live digital painting as it was projected against the wall. We hung out there for a bit and danced to the music, and drank. The place was crowded and full of fun energy.
Daniel ran into an old friend, who was with some other guys who knew where the other after-party was, so we got Daniel's car and they drove us over there.
We ended up at another neato art bar, which was just down the street from my work and where my car was, so that worked out perfectly. This place was less crowded, and had all this strange art work on display, like Hello Kitty getting raped by Pokemon, haha. There was also some sort of dance/performance troupe dressed up in dark circus type costumes, and the host was this crazy guy in a white suit and high-heel looking like he belonged in an Andy Warhol painting or something, haha. The dance floor was lined with plush white leather-esque benches and tables on two sides, and there was an older fellow with an eye-patch sitting there. The whole thing just seemed completely surreal.
After more dancing, and indulging in some fancy cocktails, I finished off the evening by sneaking Daniel off into the dark outside for some naughty fun, haha.
The whole experience seems to have changed me in some way. It was like a letting go of the past, or at least a real start in that direction. I feel like I'm discovering myself allover again, and I'm happy to find that I'm even more confident and creative than I initially thought. Not to sound all la-dee-da about myself, I've just always had such confidence issues and I'm starting to break that down.

So that was Thursday....

I still have Friday and Saturday to write about, but this post is long enough as it is, so I guess that will have to wait...

Time for bed, work again tomorrow.

Hey kids, let's enjoy LSD

2009-04-28T01:42:41Z

Learning about Smoke Danger!

Yes, these are the things of children's nightmares.

Not In My Backyard!

2009-04-28T01:11:43Z

Friday and Saturday involved further crazyness as part of the How to Destroy the Universe Festival. I should write a detailed entry, but my brain is still mush from the lack of sleep and partying, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. But I shall at least start uploading some of the video and pictures...