Kahleida (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kahleida) wrote,@ 2009-10-20 23:11:00 |
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Endings
Things haven't exactly been going well for me lately.
I'm still in the midst of a horrible depression... it's been about two months long now with no real end in sight. I keep hoping that I'll come out of it, and I have moments of happiness and moments of feeling like I'm getting better, but overall it continues to hang over me.
Jason and I are now legally divorced. I'm not nearly over it though. I'm not really sure how to grieve over the loss of something when I don't feel like it was meant to be in the first place. It's a strange situation. I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll get this wave of sadness knowing that I'll never get to experience it again. It's the loss of the friendship that bothers me. If I could go back in time and do things over, I would have just remained good friends.
It's scary being on my own now. But it's where I need to be. I hope eventually I'll be able to come to peace about everything. I still am harboring a lot of guilt.
I quit my job at the SPCA. My last day was just over a week ago. I'm extremely sad and frustrated that I had to leave. It wasn't a choice that I wanted to make, but I simply could not handle the physical and emotional toll of working in an animal shelter while going through a terrible depression.
I was so exhausted physically that I would spend most nights after work barely managing to eat dinner before collapsing in bed. I was struggling to do even basic housework at home, and struggling to get everything done at work. Watching cats I cared about sitting around waiting to be adopted, and getting depressed themselves made everything even worse.
At the beginning of October I ended up breaking down crying a couple hours into the day. I talked to my boss and managed to get a few days off right away to try and recover enough that I could keep working. I spent the majority of the days off sleeping and relaxing. But when I got back to work I was right back to being so completely drained I could hardly function. So when my boss talked to me again about how I was doing, I had to admit that I was not doing well at all, and needed to leave.
At least I left on good terms. My boss told me that she would gladly hire me back if I am able to get well enough to work there again. I'm hoping to get to a point where I can at least volunteer once a week.
Since quitting my job I've spent most of my time in bed. I'm still completely exhausted. I manage to do a bit of cleaning here and there, but any bit of work wipes me out so I'm struggling to get on top of everything I need to do.
I'm seeing small bits of progress... but it's very slow.
Meanwhile with the time off, my clubbing started to get out of control. I'll be exhausted all day, but somehow manage to get a second wind at night and get dressed up and go out and drink... and drink... and dance... and drink...
Not good. That whole situation has become too much to handle as well. I can't party like I'm 20 anymore, especially while going through a terrible depression. It just doesn't work out.
At this point it seems as though I need to cut that out of my life as well. Which is a shame... because it really can bring me moments of joy and inspiration. But at this point it's only doing the opposite and fueling my poor self-esteem and alcohol issues. I'm no longer dressing up and dancing to please me, but in some vain attempt to maintain this image I've created. The image that I'm this interesting, passionate, vibrant person... when in reality I feel like the exact opposite right now.
I'm not really sure what that leaves me with.
I don't exactly want to spend my days alone in bed.
I still have Daniel, and my kitties. But I can't rely on them for support 24/7. I need to figure something else out... for me... I have ideas but nothing is materializing yet. I feel too drained and burnt out to even do the simplest of things like schedule a massage.
I'm hoping I'll manage to pull myself out of this slowly. I need to focus on every little thing I do right. To not get overwhelmed or lost in how much I need to recover. And I need to accept that this is my reality. Wondering 'why me?' accomplishes nothing at this point. I've been dealt the hand of having severe depression and I need to figure out how to play it. I've already lost so much in my life from it, I don't want to lose anything more.
Things haven't exactly been going well for me lately.
I'm still in the midst of a horrible depression... it's been about two months long now with no real end in sight. I keep hoping that I'll come out of it, and I have moments of happiness and moments of feeling like I'm getting better, but overall it continues to hang over me.
Jason and I are now legally divorced. I'm not nearly over it though. I'm not really sure how to grieve over the loss of something when I don't feel like it was meant to be in the first place. It's a strange situation. I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll get this wave of sadness knowing that I'll never get to experience it again. It's the loss of the friendship that bothers me. If I could go back in time and do things over, I would have just remained good friends.
It's scary being on my own now. But it's where I need to be. I hope eventually I'll be able to come to peace about everything. I still am harboring a lot of guilt.
I quit my job at the SPCA. My last day was just over a week ago. I'm extremely sad and frustrated that I had to leave. It wasn't a choice that I wanted to make, but I simply could not handle the physical and emotional toll of working in an animal shelter while going through a terrible depression.
I was so exhausted physically that I would spend most nights after work barely managing to eat dinner before collapsing in bed. I was struggling to do even basic housework at home, and struggling to get everything done at work. Watching cats I cared about sitting around waiting to be adopted, and getting depressed themselves made everything even worse.
At the beginning of October I ended up breaking down crying a couple hours into the day. I talked to my boss and managed to get a few days off right away to try and recover enough that I could keep working. I spent the majority of the days off sleeping and relaxing. But when I got back to work I was right back to being so completely drained I could hardly function. So when my boss talked to me again about how I was doing, I had to admit that I was not doing well at all, and needed to leave.
At least I left on good terms. My boss told me that she would gladly hire me back if I am able to get well enough to work there again. I'm hoping to get to a point where I can at least volunteer once a week.
Since quitting my job I've spent most of my time in bed. I'm still completely exhausted. I manage to do a bit of cleaning here and there, but any bit of work wipes me out so I'm struggling to get on top of everything I need to do.
I'm seeing small bits of progress... but it's very slow.
Meanwhile with the time off, my clubbing started to get out of control. I'll be exhausted all day, but somehow manage to get a second wind at night and get dressed up and go out and drink... and drink... and dance... and drink...
Not good. That whole situation has become too much to handle as well. I can't party like I'm 20 anymore, especially while going through a terrible depression. It just doesn't work out.
At this point it seems as though I need to cut that out of my life as well. Which is a shame... because it really can bring me moments of joy and inspiration. But at this point it's only doing the opposite and fueling my poor self-esteem and alcohol issues. I'm no longer dressing up and dancing to please me, but in some vain attempt to maintain this image I've created. The image that I'm this interesting, passionate, vibrant person... when in reality I feel like the exact opposite right now.
I'm not really sure what that leaves me with.
I don't exactly want to spend my days alone in bed.
I still have Daniel, and my kitties. But I can't rely on them for support 24/7. I need to figure something else out... for me... I have ideas but nothing is materializing yet. I feel too drained and burnt out to even do the simplest of things like schedule a massage.
I'm hoping I'll manage to pull myself out of this slowly. I need to focus on every little thing I do right. To not get overwhelmed or lost in how much I need to recover. And I need to accept that this is my reality. Wondering 'why me?' accomplishes nothing at this point. I've been dealt the hand of having severe depression and I need to figure out how to play it. I've already lost so much in my life from it, I don't want to lose anything more.
