I'd like to get off now please
I seem to be caught in a yo-yo.

I'm having so much fun living in this world class city, I love my job and my apartment and life, I'm reaching all new levels of creativity!
No wait, I'm sick to death of traffic and getting up before dawn and electric lights beaming into my bedroom all night, and I have lost any sense of being artistic, I'm rehashing the same shit, I have no direction, I want to move into the middle of nowhere!
Oh wait, didn't I move here to get away from nowhere?

Shit...

So now what?

On Friday I opted to stay in instead of going out and drinking at Death Rock Dive Bar. Daniel wasn't feeling well, and I figured I'd hang out with him. We rented Dexter and had a marvelous time watching a serial killer chase a serial killer who hunts serial killers... while munching on tons of popcorn and hemp-milk ice cream of course. Laying next to him in bed I felt so at ease and at peace.

Then there was today. We woke up to a gray, drizzly environment. The few bouts of thunder did more to make me miss real thunderstorms than get me excited about the day. I wanted to go into the city to get sushi from my favourite place and then hit some thrift stores. Simple, relaxing day... well of course I keep forgetting I'm in the East Bay now and have that damnable bridge to deal with. It's bad enough I have to fork over $4 every time, but to sit in terrible traffic too? Ugh I am *so* over it. Then there is driving around for parking, which after being stuck in traffic, is even more frustrating. And I swear they've upped the rates. $2 an hour? Really? Who carries that much change around?
At least the sushi rocked as always. And I was naughty and bought this ridiculous fur stole with real claws and heads. I'm tired of being good all the time. And I'm in a much more morbid frame of mind these days.
But then there is more traffic on the way back. The new detour they put in is really slowing things down, and I imagine it will only get worse as construction for the new span continues.

Sigh...

So what does this tell me?
I'm not quite sure. I mean clearly snuggling with a cute boy watching weird things is much preferable than venturing out for some fun in the city these days.
But at the same time, it's not because I'm ~getting old~ or ~settling down~. It's because I'm sick to death of everything being an undertaking around here. I want to actually *do* things instead of dealing with drivers cutting me off or bumping into people in overcrowded stores.
I suppose that's the irony of it all. I'm in a big city so that I have lots of stuff to do. But doing anything is such a hassle because it's a big city.

When I get frustrated with it all, I start planning my escape route. To somewhere quiet and sane and surrounded by nature. But lets be realistic... I'd get bored. I'd complain there is nothing ever to do and I'm sick of going to the same restaurant and the same thrift store.
I wish I could find some sort of happy medium, but I haven't really... Denver seems to be the closest so far. Much cheaper rent, but a good goth scene. But I've never actually been there, so who knows.
And when I really start to think of leaving here I freak out a bit, because there really are some good parts to being here, and it seems to have some sort of spell that ultimately wins me over.

However, I need to deal with this stress. It's just getting completely out of control. I'm going from really happy one day, to horribly depressed the next, combined with bouts of bad anxiety, thinking too much about death, my touch sensitivity making it hard for me to get dressed to the point that I melt down. I've even had some moments of psychosis again. And today I broke a mirror.
Bad, bad, bad...

I'm really not in the mood to do therapy again anytime soon. I'm just so over talking about it. Medication doesn't even need to be a consideration, after what happened before there is simply *no way* I will ever touch anything resembling psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
When I look and see what really works, in the long run, it's stuff like massage from someone who knows what they are doing and can release stored up tension, dancing, aromatherapy, having vacations planned so I have something to look forward to, and feeling spiritually connected.
The dancing I've got covered, and since I've missed the past two Death Guilds it's no wonder I'm chomping at the bit. I need to burn more incense, but that's easy. Massage and Vacations cost money I don't have, but I'm hoping once I'm more financially secure in the near future that I'll be able to invest more in them. As far as the spiritual stuff is concerned... I feel like I've lost my way a bit. I'm trying too hard, and in the wrong areas. I need to just sit more. I need to stop being so boxed in with my routine at home. I need to get off the computer and go walk in the woods.

My biggest fear at this point is that I'll do all that stuff and I'll *still* have terrible depression and anxiety and all that lovely stuff. So I'll move somewhere else, and it follows me there. So I go back into more intensive therapy, and still the same. I try all sorts of alternative options, and then keep ending up back here. And meanwhile everyone around me just leaves, gets sick of me, wonders why I can't find a way to get better, why I don't try harder.
Meanwhile I'm so damn tired of trying. I'm so tired of therapy and I've been out of it for nearly a year. I just do no want to go that route anytime soon, I know it will only drain the hell out of me. But that seems to leave me nowhere, and make me seem like I'm not wanting to get better, when it isn't the case. It's hard to explain...
At this point I've simply come to realize that it's much better to find away to arrange my life so I'm the most happy naturally, than to keep fighting and trying to go against the stream and then be in therapy so that I'm 'doing something'. It makes more sense for me to work on getting my life so that I'm in a situation where most of my time can be devoted to dancing and making hairpieces and taking neat road trips. Because that's what makes me happy. Fuck being responsible. I want to be a happy girl... not a serious woman in therapy.

Clearly the balance has gone too far off. I need more play in my life. I need less sitting in traffic and more driving through bizarre desert landscapes. I need less getting up at 5am and more dancing until 5am.
Sitting around analyzing why I'm depressed will only make me more depressed. Just saying 'fuck-it' already, and embracing the fact that I'm always going to be a young-at-heart weirdo who wants to explore and create and never settle down and get a real job, is what will make me happy.

Now to figure out how to achieve this...