Grey
I'm going through a really bad depression. The worst I've had in a long time.
Things are dragging on, despite being told that they wouldn't. I'm beyond broke for the time being. It's simply too expensive here. I'm going through all my purses for random change so that I can buy food. I sold a ton of CDs so that I could go out to Death Guild and dance and stay sane.
After this experience I'm never looking at a dollar the same way again. I cannot fathom how wasteful people are, including myself when I had more.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm capable of. I'm holding things together, but barely. I have moments of suicidal thoughts, or putting myself back in the hospital. I feel like I'm just never going to get a good grip on life.
Maybe it's just this area. I mean I do have a job, and I work hard at it and I get praise from my coworkers and supervisor. But I can't live off the wages. Not unless I got rid of my cats, my car, and moved into a small room in a bad neighbourhood and ate crap. I want to live, not just survive.
I'd like to imagine that I could live off of my job somewhere else, that's cheaper. Where I don't have to deal with bridge tolls and 45 minute commutes and expensive food.
Do I runaway yet again? To where? Maybe Colorado, Wyoming if I really want to be alone... but what about Daniel? Will I just get depressed there too? What about going back to school? For what?

Ugh.

I'm just tired. Exhausted from work, from noisy neighbours banging shit all night, from trying to live off so little.
I hope at least one part will be over with soon. So that I can focus on the rest. Because I can't last like this forever.