Late Night, After Club, Observations...
1) I'm in love with Daniel much more than I want to admit. Between the divorce and possible 'relationship dynamics' problems, I've tried to hold back. I don't want to profess my love here only to break up in a few weeks and seem like an idiot. But we've known eachother almost a year now, and the more I get to know him the more I love him. So despite my guilt, I just have to say how much I'm head over heels in love with Daniel, and if this comes back to bite me, so be it...

2) I'm more than a decade older than the youngest that can go to Death Guild. Wow. When the hell did this happen? Why am I talking to guys who are 19??? Seriously... I'm almost 30, have been married and soon to be divorced, and yet still feel like that young 20 year old girl who just wants to be carefree and dance all night.
The saving grace in all of this is not only can I dance all night, but I can do it up on the stage, in front of the crowd, and hold my own against kids who are much much younger than me. "Still got it!" Is a phrase that accurately describes the situation. We all hear about boohoo getting older sucks, but I'm soon to be 29 and can still dance longer/better than the 19/20/21 year olds.... Fuck Yeah!

3) I'm insanely shy. No seriously. When I'm in a normal social situation I completely clam up and act like an idiot because I have no idea how to interact with people. I really wish I wasn't this way because I am very friendly and love to make friends and am generally a happy, positive person. But I tend to come across as a complete bitch because I am so shy and will just sit there saying nothing. Ugh...
Like with Daniel's herbal school. I went on a desert camping trip with a bunch of his fellow students, and then saw them on Saturday at a party for the opening of the school's new location. I sooo wanted to be all social and friendly, but I got psycho shy and could only say a few things.
And yet when I am out at clubs I am queen of the ball. I have no fears, will talk to anyone about anything, and not be in the least bit shy.
I'm not sure why there has always been that distinction in my life. Club = very confident, social, outgoing girl... non-club = super shy, awkward, wish I could make friends...

4) I'm happy.

But I feel guilty.

And scared.

I just want to get over that already. Move completely on to the next phase of my life so that I can be with Daniel and having crazy adventures and not have this nagging feeling on the back of my mind.
It will (most likely) happen.
I need to be patient.
I need to not freak out over the fact that I am almost 1 year away from 30.
I need to get back into Zazen.
I need to let go, but not in a self-destructive way.

I need to get some sleep....