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-[ Saturday, February 6th 2010 - 12:29am ]-
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Parting Clouds
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The winter of discontent seems to be finally passing. Needless to say, since I said nothing during it, it wasn't exactly the best past couple of months.
To summarize, I spilled boiling water on my foot and got a nasty 2nd degree burn. A trip to the ER ensued and I had to spend the next couple of weeks changing the dressing everyday, hobbling around and wincing in pain if I was on my feet for to long or went from a sitting to standing position. It's finally healed now, but there is still a large mark.
My father came and visited during this time, before Christmas. He brought his girlfriend along... eh... I was very happy to see him and the whole visit went well, but still. I'm not used to it, probably never will be, and probably will never be completely happy with the situation. It's reached the level of acceptance and that's enough.
My mother was supposed to visit soon after, but then my grandmother died. Ugh. More death. I don't even really know what to say about it at this point. I didn't make it to the funeral, no passport. Though to be honest I don't know if I would have wanted to go. I didn't want to see her like that. It's so jarring and real and final. This way she can slowly fade away and linger in my mind, and I can say goodbye when I'm ready. I wrote a card to her, that was supposed to get mailed to Toronto to get put in the casket, but the post office said there was no way to guarantee it could get there on time. So I kept it myself and eventually I'm going to burn it when the time feels right.
Daniel and I broke up. There was just too much stress with him trying to figure his shit out and me trying to figure my shit out, combined with me questioning whether we really were compatible enough and stable enough for us to be making life decisions based on the other person. We had been planning on moving to Denver together, but it just wasn't happening, or at least not fast enough for me to feel comfortable.
I'm sad it ended, and want to remain friends, but I think it was for the best. We both have too much else going on right now, and I was too stressed having to try and fit in a serious relationship on top of it all. I hope things work out for him, and who knows, maybe we will both eventually end up in Denver down the road.
I went and got re-hired at the SPCA. Thanks to the help of an acupuncturist/holistic health therapist I've been managing to keep major depression at bay. So with the Denver plan off for the time being, I figured it was time to work again. I had seen a job opening at the East Bay SPCA, and when I emailed my former boss about a reference I added that I would also love to go back to working with them. And she wrote back offering me my old job back, yay!
I'm very happy to be back with my coworkers and the cats. It really is a good job overall despite the stress and hard work. Everyone there is so amazing in their compassion and support. Plus it is a great feeling to know that I'm once again making a direct difference in the world. I'm also proud of myself that I did a good enough job the first time around that I was able to quit and then get hired back even in this piece of shit economy.
As far as my current plans beyond the SPCA... well there are none. I'm still decompressing from the winter blues and trying to figure out what career path I want to take. I've at least narrowed things down and done a lot of research, but a specific goal has yet to be made. I'm not worried though. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I have time!
I was standing around with a coworker who is about my age, and another one who is 65. The younger coworker was lamenting how due to budget cuts summer school has been canceled at his college and it will take him longer to fill pre-requisites for the program he wants to get into. The older coworker just told him to stop worrying about it, that he'd get it done eventually... what's another few months?
It really did hit me then that I'm in no huge rush. I know generally what I want to do, I'm doing work to narrow it down to a specific program/school... so why have anxiety about it? It's not like I'm about to run out of money or anything. A few more months to wait is nothing in the long run. And besides, I'm finally single for the first time in nearly a decade. It makes perfect sense for me to take this opportunity to really catch my breath before diving into the next phase of my life. I'm tired of feeling pressure, and tired of feeling like I can't just relax. Now I can do that, and I'm not going to let other people's anxieties make me feel rushed.
There's other stuff going on in my life right now, that happened rather unexpectedly, but I'm not going to go into details just yet. I want to keep this one for myself for the time being. But it involves going even more into my crazy gothic dreamland and feeling free enough to not let outside judgments stop me from pursuing something that I want. Things could get interesting...
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-[ Sunday, December 6th 2009 - 12:39am ]-
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From birth to death
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My brother and his wife are expecting a child. It's quite strange and exciting thinking that I will be an Aunt. The due date is in June, near my birthday. So it will be a Gemini like me. I already have plans to be the crazy, cool Aunt that they will want to hang out with when they are a teenager and trying to rebel.
I'm very happy for my brother, I think he will make a great father. It's weird thinking that my parents will be grandparents though. We all still seem so young.
I got a new cat. I didn't expect to make it out of the shelter without one. They are too endearing, and there are so many who need homes.
The cat in question was an undersocialized kitten. We got him at about 3 months, from animal care and control, back in June around my birthday. He grew up in the shelter, dealt with ringworm, slowly got less scared. But by the time he was able to be put up for adoption he'd past that cute kitten stage, plus he is black, and was still rather shy of people.
I'd started to bond with him while I was working there. After I left I kept checking the website and he was always still there. I felt bad, he needed to be out of the shelter and living life already. So I adopted him. His name is now Mordekhai.
He was pretty scared being here at first. I made him a safety den in the kitchen so he could have some space to himself to adjust. Then I moved him over into my closet so he could be near me and the rest of the cats. After awhile he started to venture out on his own, exploring the space, sniffing the other kitties. It's quite amazing how fast he is blossoming here. He's now coming out all the time, and will even race up and down the apartment with the other cats when he gets excited enough. They are all getting along great.
Bella also continues to improve. Today I woke up to find her laying next to me asleep with Misha. She's even sat on the laptop while I was using it, as Misha was in my lap and she wanted to be next to him. She still hisses at me, and would attack me if I tried to pick her up, but she's is much less afraid and angry than when she was in Pacifica. All the cats seem to enjoy life here now. It's cozy and safe.
Last night I went and saw my old-coworker/friend from the SPCA play in the Swingin' Utters at 924 Gilman. I haven't really been involved in the punk scene since moving here. Though I do get nostalgic and listen to the music now and then. So it was a treat being able to relive my wild teenage antics, especially in a place like 924 Gilman that has so much history to it.
I even ended up slam dancing almost the entire time the band was playing. I haven't done that in many years. I wasn't sure if I would be able to hold my own against a bunch of young punk guys. But I was more than able to... I fell right back into that realm, of screaming lyrics, flying around by the will of the crowd, pushing against sweaty bodies, smashing into leather jackets. I may be a nearly 30 year old woman, but that rebellious teenage spirit still thrives inside me, waiting to be unleashed at the right moment. I have a few bruises today, they make me smile and remember the fun I've had.
I found out a couple days ago that my cousin Alex passed away suddenly due to unexpected complications from surgery. He was a year younger than me.
The whole thing is quite tragic. I'm still in the early stages of processing it all.
My mom was supposed to come here next week to visit for the holidays, but of course she had to cancel to go to be with her sister instead. I feel bad that I won't be there myself.
Alex was a special type of person, and you would have to know him to understand what I mean. He was always there, at the family gatherings growing up. I'm rather sad to think I won't see him at one again. It makes me scared to go back to Toronto, everything has changed so much since I was last there.
But I do want to finally go back, for the birth of my niece or nephew. So I try to focus on that.
The older I get, the more I realize that life never stops. I keep hoping for a break, a pause, a chance to catch my breath. A moment in time when nothing changes.
But it never comes.
It's just one experience after another, from birth to death.
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-[ Friday, November 20th 2009 - 1:23pm ]-
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Mania
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Something, I'm suspecting all the Chinese herbs I'm taking to combat the cold from hell, has made me crazy manic. Stayed up all night trolling eBay for things to put in my hair.
I feel like Hayley & Steve from American Dad;
Hey now, friend, hold on. What is that?
Cougar Boost Energy Drink. I gotta cram for finals.
Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. I gotta write this down...
'evolution is like IKEA for animals.'
Your growling can intrigues me.
So take a sip.
"May lead to extreme extremeness."
I don't know. I usually like to have my wits about me.
Then don't have some.
No, no, no...
I feel weird.
Something's...happening to my body.
I feel...
I feel...
Everybody dance now!
Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh
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Dude, what the hell did you do to your computer?
Gotta find out how it works.
I know it's just electricity, but it's gotta be physical.
I mean, it's not magic, it's electricity.
Something's gotta be pushing things.
It's gotta be pushing things. It's like a watch...
One lever moves the other. It's about precision. It's about precision.
Things gotta be pushing other things.
Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh!
You better lay off that Cougar Boost.
You better wake up and listen to what you're sayin', Jack!
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-[ Wednesday, November 18th 2009 - 2:45pm ]-
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Denver (The End?)
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On Thursday we checked out the Baker neighbourhood. It was supposed to be on the "bad" side, but as we learned the Denver concept of a bad neighbourhood is a joke when you are used to living beside Oakland.
We went to an adult/gothy store and scored a bunch of sexy clothing for clubs, yay! I got this poofy petticoat skirt made out of PVC that will be perfect for a night like Bondage-a-go-go. The store clerk was super friendly and helpful, a trend I noticed in Denver, not very much of that 'too cool for you' attitude you tend to get at the alternative stores in San Francisco.
We also randomly ducked into a cafe and had great drinks and both also noticed how clean the bathrooms are everywhere we go. And the same thing with the Goodwill we checked out down the street. It was the cleanest, most organized Goodwill I've ever seen. It was almost weird, haha.
After more shopping we headed back downtown to grab lunch at a German restaurant. It was very authentic (Daniel studied abroad in Germany) and the cabbage side dishes reminded me of home cooked meals from my Grandmothers & Great Aunt.
In the afternoon we went to the North Capitol Hill and City Park area and went to a good bookstore and record store.
That evening we had one of the craziest meals I've ever eaten. We went to the Buckhorn Exchange which is an authentic saloon dating back to the Old West days. The place was overwhelming inside, with taxidermy animals filling up every square inch. We waited upstairs in the lounge for a table, and got to enjoy an old fellow playing this harp-like instrument and sing songs about Cowboys.
We tried some really good whiskies. But it was the food that was the real highlight. As it was a vacation I put aside my normal pescetarian diet and went all out on trying the strange meats that they had available. For appetizers we got rattlesnake and rocky mountain oysters AKA bull's testicles! Hahaha. The rattlesnake was quite good, it tasted sort of like frogs legs, but more flaky in texture. The bull's testicles were interesting... kind of like veal, and each piece varied a lot in taste. Some were very tender, while others were more gristly and not as good.
For the main course Daniel opted for the elk, while I got their special trio of Yak, Ostrich, and quail. Sooo delish (I hate to admit). I've had ostrich before, but prepared like a duck with it sliced into pieces, while this was one big chunk like a steak, and I like it this way. The Yak was very neat, I've never had it before. It was a very heavy flavour, sort of smokey and also with a strong iron taste. Daniel's elk was also very yummy, and it was fun getting to compare all the different meats at once. This was definitely a silly (and tasty) 'Cowboy' experience haha.
Friday was zoo day. After eating lots of animals, it was nice to be able to enjoy them alive instead, haha. The zoo was a good size, big enough that it took the whole day to see everything, but not so big it was overwhelming. I was impressed how well they set things up so that there weren't very many bars/fences. It seemed like I was able to get pretty close to a lot of animals. One of the most remarkable was a snow leopard which was taking a nap in its indoor area and was right up against the glass, only a foot away from my face. Wow! So amazing to see such beautiful creatures up close.
My favourite though, was the Mandrill. Such gorgeous colouring, and huge teeth! Other highlights included komodo dragons, the aye-aye (in this special dark room), a huge Siberian tiger, and hearing a male lion roar and then chomp down on a big chunk of flesh & bone that was thrown to him.
By the end of the day I was the most relaxed I can remember in a long time, being around all the animals and spending the day walking really calmed me down.
That evening we went out for a romantic dinner at Fruition. It was very clean, classic food with modern twists. Add in some smooth wine, warm chocolate, and a generous serving of eau-de-vie, and I was one happy, mellow girl. It was a relief to finally have reached a point where I felt like all the stress of everything that has happened in the past year was starting to slip away and I could simply enjoy the moment.
On Saturday we went to the Denver Art Museum. The building itself is very impressive, metallic silver with dramatic angles jutting out into the sky. And inside the sharp angles continued, especially around the main stairwell, which made one feel as though they were actually in some abstract, modern work of art. The restaurant there was also very nice and made for sophisticated but not stuffy way to start our exploration.
While not nearly as extensive as museums I've been to in New York and Boston, there was a wide range of offerings, from Italian Renaissance paintings to Pacific Northwest Native artifacts to large scale modern installations. It happened to be their monthly free day, which worked out well, and despite this it was still easy to get around and not overly crowded. All in all it was a nice local museum and a relaxing afternoon.
For our final meal we went to Red Square, and European bistro and Vodka bar. Vodka! The food was pretty good, but the vodka is what we came for. They had a very extensive list that included both their own unique infusions (like apricot and horseradish) but also high-end brands from allover the world. Daniel tried the infusions, while I tried brands from Russia, Ukraine, and Kazakhstan. Mmmmm....
The timing of our trip worked out great, as our first night there was Halloween, and on our final night none other than Skinny Puppy was performing, yay!! I'd seen them once before in Boston several years ago, and was excited to see them again.
We got dolled up and then took a Taxi over to the venue. Unfortunately we had a bit of difficulty getting in as they were being quite strict about what constituted a 'weapon' and Daniel had to take off all his spikes. Lame. He ended up hiding them nearby. Once inside it was pretty packed, so we went upstairs on the balcony to grab a drink and get our bearings. There was no coat check, which I found a bit odd, and the drinks were typical concert drinks, too weak.. but at least they didn't cost a fortune. I guess concert venues of this nature are pretty much the same wherever you go.
We went back downstairs and got a pretty decent spot near the front with a clear view. Skinny Puppy came on and blasted out one song after another. They played a lot of classics including Assimilate, Far Too Frail, and Love in Vein. I really got into the music, and the visuals were great as well. It's always fun in such concerts to think back to me being a 15 year old goth girl and hearing this music for the first time, and here I am, almost 15 years later and getting to see them live and still having that same spine-tingling feeling of dissolving into such a strange and dark atmosphere.
After the show, Daniel went to get his spikes, but his choker went missing, boo! At least that can be replaced, and his bracelet that couldn't, was still in its hiding place.
We took a cab over to Milk/Shelter for their Goth night to get in some dancing as the night was still young. That club really started to grow on me. I had many people talking to me and was made to feel very welcome. The music was still up to par, as was the dancing. I even ran into a guy I know from Death Guild who was there for the weekend, that was a nice surprise.
Eventually we dragged ourselves away to crash back at the hotel room.
The next morning was time to go home, boo. We packed up, got to the airport, and boarded the plane without incident.
I was sad to leave though. I'd been having such a rough time as of late. Horrible depression, no energy, no spark... Denver reversed all that. I'm sure part of it was simply because it was a vacation and I didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning and had all these new places to explore. But it was more than that. I enjoyed the mountain air, the more mellow vibe, the down-to-earth club. No it's not as exciting and dramatic as San Francisco... but I don't think that's what I need right now, too much frenzy when I'm trying to recover isn't the best thing. Denver's more laid back and simple way of life really helped me to unwind and slow down. I feel like I could be at a healthier state there, without getting too bored.
Once we landed in San Francisco, the stress started to come back. The traffic, the closeness of everything, the lack of large front lawns, the general fast pace... not to mention all the noise and lights around my apartment.
So the wheels seem to be in motion for me to move to Denver. To get to a place where I can decompress, figure my shit out, and get my life back on track. In a lot of ways, I'm starting completely over. And I need a place to support that, where I'm not burning up tons of money on rent, where I can get adequate rest and not be tempted to party every night, and where I can figure out what my next phase in life is going to be.
We'll see what happens. The idea of moving away from San Francisco is both exciting and scary. This place is magical, there's no doubt about it... but whether it's right for me at this point in my life is a whole different matter. And I've being feeling the urge to live in another city for awhile now.
Denver may very well be that city, if everything continues to work out in that direction...
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-[ Tuesday, November 17th 2009 - 8:17pm ]-
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Denver Continuation
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The next morning after Halloween we went out for brunch at this charming French restaurant. It was located in a pretty courtyard away from the street and thus was a very relaxing place to unwind from the partying the night before. And again I was quite impressed with the food and cocktails (mmm kir royale!).
In the afternoon we checked out the Capitol Hill area, which was the neighbourhood I most wanted to see as it seemed like it could be a good possible place to live. It ended up reminding me a lot of Toronto. It was composed of brick houses, duplexes, and small apartment buildings with plenty of trees around. We went to Dazbog coffee where I had a 'White Russian Chai' and real Russian Chocolate. Dear God the yummy food kept coming! Good thing it's easy to walk everywhere, haha.
We also checked out Wax Trax Records, which was neat. I picked up some obscure CDs, as did Daniel. Then we went across the street to Fashionation, a gothic clothing store. I finally scored some new boots, Demonia ones with a million buckles.
For dinner we went to Bones, an Asian fusion place. It was interesting the number of Asian fusion restaurants... that trend was big here in San Francisco a few years ago. But the meal was once again delish. The food in Denver seemed much more flavourful than here...
Monday involved going to a New Mexican restaurant where they had a 7 pound breakfast burrito (as seen on Man vs. Food) haha. Then we had a brief walk around the Highland area, another potential place to live. This neighbourhood was much more spread out and full of old houses. There was a bridge over the highway towards downtown, which took us to this nice new shopping/restaurant area that had a gourmet chocolate store. There was also this bizarre sculpture called "national velvet" that look like a big stack of kidney beans haha.
The rest of the day was us spoiling ourselves with massages. I tried this treatment where they lower a tent like contraption over your body which puts out steam allover you, while your neck and scalp are massaged. Gaaahhh... talk about blissing out! We also went out to a nice dinner on Larimer street. At night they light up the whole street with tons of strings of lights that are draped between the buildings. Very romantic.
On Tuesday my lack of energy as of late caught up with me, so I opted to spend the day relaxing in the hotel room with room services and ample baths (you could watch TV while having a bath, haha). I always enjoy taking opportunities to lay around and relax. In the evening we went out to a 'hole-in-the-wall' type of Thai restaurant out towards the suburbs. After my hard time trying to find spicy Thai in Portland Oregon, I was curious to see how I would fare here. Well... the spice level was not an issue at all! Meaning it was quite hot and we just got the medium. So that was another success in seeing if I could live there.
Wednesday was Boulder time. The drive was easy and quick. We went to the main downtown area along Pearl street, which reminded me a lot of Aspen. It was closed to cars and featured many flower beds, large trees, and sculptures. It was also very clean. Unlike Aspen, though, the stores were not high-end but more on the hippie/college side. Tibet inspired stores, a nice vintage store, natural bath products and so on.
We grabbed lunch at a sushi bar. I really liked the place, it sort of looked like you were in a little Japanese village inside. And the sushi was very fresh and tasty.
We strolled around the street for awhile and then checked out this place I found called Tonic. It was this really neat 'bar' that served strange herbal elixirs. There was a wide range of drinks, from ones with Chinese herbs to spagyrics to gem cordials. Aside from being tasty, what I tried definitely gave me a boost and made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. Wish there was someplace like that around here.
As the sun was setting we drove back to Denver. With the high altitude and clear sky, the sunsets around here can be quite impressive. The hues of umber and indigo against the mountains were gorgeous.
Once back in Denver it was time to check out the weekly Wednesday Goth night, which was at the same club we'd been to for Halloween. I was quite curious as to how it would be during a normal night.
Once again I was entertained by the club. It was full of people, and it was a very mixed crowd, which is what I'm used to from London and Toronto (versus the San Francisco Scene which seems to be a lot more compartmentalized).
Everyone was friendly and I had a few people come up to me mentioning how the remembered me from Saturday. Wow, totally different from Death Guild were you generally have to show up every week *forever* before people start noticing you. I also loved the music style. Not as much EBM oontz oontz stuff, instead it was slower, darker. I wish the dance area was a bit bigger, but otherwise it was a fun night.
I'll continue with the last few days later, as I am *still* feeling sick. Yeesh. Worst cold I've had in a long time.
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-[ Friday, November 13th 2009 - 11:44am ]-
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Denver! (The Beginning)
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Daniel and I took a spur of the moment vacation to Denver last week, and it turned out to be a great trip and just what I needed to get me excited about the future again.
We've both been thinking about moving there in the near future. The cost of living in the Bay Area is getting out of control, as is the traffic and noise and other such urban problems. Denver seemed like a good alternative... it's not too big, not too small, in a gorgeous mountain setting, stable economy, an active goth scene. So we packed our bags and flew out there to experience it in person.
We landed on Halloween, picked up the rental car and then drove downtown to the hotel. I was immediately overtaken by how expansive it felt. The area was like a giant plain with a string of snow-capped mountains lining the horizon to the West. I loved the energy, the combination of the solid grounding of the rocks with the openness of the clear blue sky.
The next thing that surprised me was how nice and clean the downtown was. It seemed so organized, but not in a overly-planned, generic way. Instead it was a collection of large, modern buildings mixed with restored old red brick buildings. And there were public art installations everywhere. Big sculptures of faces and people dancing, clock-towers and columns that are lit up with coloured lights. I really enjoyed how seamlessly the new, abstract parts of the city blended with the older, historic parts.
After settling in at our hotel Teatro (which I loved, very comfy bed & large bathtub and the most friendly staff) we ventured out for our first dining experience in Denver. We walked to the restaurant along what is known as the 16th street mall. It's not a mall in the modern-day sense, but is instead a collection of all sorts of stores and restaurants that line 16th street, which is closed off to cars. Along the middle of the street there are tables for playing chess, trees, and some sculptures. On either side there are light-rail trains which are free and run up and down the length of the street. I though it was a great setup, very conducive to getting people to walk around outdoors. Plus it was very clean and pretty and free from the noise of cars.
The restaurant we ended up at was Jax Fish House which Daniel had found. I was a bit apprehensive about the food, worrying that I would be disappointed due to all the great restaurants we have in San Francisco. Well boy was I wrong about being worried! The food was *amazing*. Some of the best scallops I've had. And while the restaurant was very nice looking, it was also rather relaxed and unpretentious. It made for a wonderful first meal and introduction to the Denver vibe.
After dinner it was back to the hotel to get ready for Halloween festivities. As we were walking back I remarked how I would really like to find a place to buy some energy drinks to drink while getting dressed. The Gods heard my request and a couple blocks from the hotel there was a Monster Energy truck handing out free cans! Haha, my first night there and already I was getting fun synchronicities.
For Halloween I dressed up as a woodland creature, I made a hairpiece that looked like twigs and brown flowers and had strange charms hanging down. Daniel dressed up like a zombie. We made a sexy couple hehe.
We took a quick cab to the club, which was Bar Standard/Milk/Shelter (Milk (also known as Shelter) is the normal place for the goth nights, which is in the basement of Bar Standard). I wasn't at all knowing what to expect... but I definitely didn't think it would be as crowded as it was. The upstairs wasn't too bad, but downstairs in the main area it was *packed*. Denver people definitely know how to party, and they seem to love Halloween.
The layout of the club was very interesting. The downstairs had two main rooms. One was a bit smaller and was very modern looking, plasticy white booths and columns, bright coloured lights... Then there was the larger room which was very dark, even by goth club standards. Most of the walls had a curvy burgundy bench running along the length, with tables scattered here and there for drinks. There isn't so much of a large dance floor, as the room is divided partially in half by a wall/benches. However I liked this layout since people were dancing pretty much where ever they pleased, so you could either join the main group in front of the DJ booth, or go off into your own little corner.
We took a few minutes adjusting to the new space, the large crowd, and the fact that the melting snow from the massive storm they had just a couple days ago was flooding parts of the floor (yes we got to see snow, yay!). After purchasing yummy drinks (for half the cost of the DNA) we got into the spo0ky atmosphere and danced and laughed and had tons of fun. We both cheered for Jesus riding a dinosaur in the costume contest... he got 2nd place, he was robbed! Haha, I love internet meme costumes. Various people came up to us to say hi, and we even got our pictures taken with a bunch of crazy drunk kids. I really enjoyed the friendly, lets-just-have-fun crowd.
We partied all night, even with extra hour from the time change, and eventually the lights came up and it was time to catch a cab back to the hotel to crash out.
Our first day in Denver was a huge success. I immediately felt at home there, so much that I was expecting that I must be over-exaggerating how much I liked it there... that in the upcoming days I wouldn't have as much fun and want to go home... but that didn't exactly happen. Instead everyday I enjoyed my time there, and by the end I didn't want to leave.
I'll write about the rest of the trip soon... I'm sick in bed right now (boo!) and should get some more rest.
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-[ Tuesday, October 20th 2009 - 11:11pm ]-
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Endings
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Things haven't exactly been going well for me lately.
I'm still in the midst of a horrible depression... it's been about two months long now with no real end in sight. I keep hoping that I'll come out of it, and I have moments of happiness and moments of feeling like I'm getting better, but overall it continues to hang over me.
Jason and I are now legally divorced. I'm not nearly over it though. I'm not really sure how to grieve over the loss of something when I don't feel like it was meant to be in the first place. It's a strange situation. I'll hear or see something that reminds me of him and I'll get this wave of sadness knowing that I'll never get to experience it again. It's the loss of the friendship that bothers me. If I could go back in time and do things over, I would have just remained good friends.
It's scary being on my own now. But it's where I need to be. I hope eventually I'll be able to come to peace about everything. I still am harboring a lot of guilt.
I quit my job at the SPCA. My last day was just over a week ago. I'm extremely sad and frustrated that I had to leave. It wasn't a choice that I wanted to make, but I simply could not handle the physical and emotional toll of working in an animal shelter while going through a terrible depression.
I was so exhausted physically that I would spend most nights after work barely managing to eat dinner before collapsing in bed. I was struggling to do even basic housework at home, and struggling to get everything done at work. Watching cats I cared about sitting around waiting to be adopted, and getting depressed themselves made everything even worse.
At the beginning of October I ended up breaking down crying a couple hours into the day. I talked to my boss and managed to get a few days off right away to try and recover enough that I could keep working. I spent the majority of the days off sleeping and relaxing. But when I got back to work I was right back to being so completely drained I could hardly function. So when my boss talked to me again about how I was doing, I had to admit that I was not doing well at all, and needed to leave.
At least I left on good terms. My boss told me that she would gladly hire me back if I am able to get well enough to work there again. I'm hoping to get to a point where I can at least volunteer once a week.
Since quitting my job I've spent most of my time in bed. I'm still completely exhausted. I manage to do a bit of cleaning here and there, but any bit of work wipes me out so I'm struggling to get on top of everything I need to do.
I'm seeing small bits of progress... but it's very slow.
Meanwhile with the time off, my clubbing started to get out of control. I'll be exhausted all day, but somehow manage to get a second wind at night and get dressed up and go out and drink... and drink... and dance... and drink...
Not good. That whole situation has become too much to handle as well. I can't party like I'm 20 anymore, especially while going through a terrible depression. It just doesn't work out.
At this point it seems as though I need to cut that out of my life as well. Which is a shame... because it really can bring me moments of joy and inspiration. But at this point it's only doing the opposite and fueling my poor self-esteem and alcohol issues. I'm no longer dressing up and dancing to please me, but in some vain attempt to maintain this image I've created. The image that I'm this interesting, passionate, vibrant person... when in reality I feel like the exact opposite right now.
I'm not really sure what that leaves me with.
I don't exactly want to spend my days alone in bed.
I still have Daniel, and my kitties. But I can't rely on them for support 24/7. I need to figure something else out... for me... I have ideas but nothing is materializing yet. I feel too drained and burnt out to even do the simplest of things like schedule a massage.
I'm hoping I'll manage to pull myself out of this slowly. I need to focus on every little thing I do right. To not get overwhelmed or lost in how much I need to recover. And I need to accept that this is my reality. Wondering 'why me?' accomplishes nothing at this point. I've been dealt the hand of having severe depression and I need to figure out how to play it. I've already lost so much in my life from it, I don't want to lose anything more.
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-[ Tuesday, October 6th 2009 - 1:52am ]-
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Death of One, Hope for Another
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This part's for my Love of Old
How the rose in your heart you hold
Still all the water in your wells won't make it grow
Oh, the call of the nightingale
How I love beneath the ghostly sails
We move like Gypsies 'neath the mist and beneath the gloom
This part's for my Love of New
How the bulbs in my heart are true
They send the shoots through my fingers into your bones
Oh, the call of the collared dove
How I long to be your one true Love
We'll move like Gypsies 'neath the stars and beneath the moon
Oh, how the river flows
Under the ice and snow
The keeper of the flame
The Rose Captain knows our names
This perfume breath we breathed
For you my Dear, my Love,
Will never leave
Oh, the Rose Captain knows, knows our names
Oh, the Rose Captain knows, he knows our names
~Sea Wolf
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-[ Saturday, September 12th 2009 - 10:21pm ]-
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I'd like to get off now please
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I seem to be caught in a yo-yo.
I'm having so much fun living in this world class city, I love my job and my apartment and life, I'm reaching all new levels of creativity!
No wait, I'm sick to death of traffic and getting up before dawn and electric lights beaming into my bedroom all night, and I have lost any sense of being artistic, I'm rehashing the same shit, I have no direction, I want to move into the middle of nowhere!
Oh wait, didn't I move here to get away from nowhere?
Shit...
So now what?
On Friday I opted to stay in instead of going out and drinking at Death Rock Dive Bar. Daniel wasn't feeling well, and I figured I'd hang out with him. We rented Dexter and had a marvelous time watching a serial killer chase a serial killer who hunts serial killers... while munching on tons of popcorn and hemp-milk ice cream of course. Laying next to him in bed I felt so at ease and at peace.
Then there was today. We woke up to a gray, drizzly environment. The few bouts of thunder did more to make me miss real thunderstorms than get me excited about the day. I wanted to go into the city to get sushi from my favourite place and then hit some thrift stores. Simple, relaxing day... well of course I keep forgetting I'm in the East Bay now and have that damnable bridge to deal with. It's bad enough I have to fork over $4 every time, but to sit in terrible traffic too? Ugh I am *so* over it. Then there is driving around for parking, which after being stuck in traffic, is even more frustrating. And I swear they've upped the rates. $2 an hour? Really? Who carries that much change around?
At least the sushi rocked as always. And I was naughty and bought this ridiculous fur stole with real claws and heads. I'm tired of being good all the time. And I'm in a much more morbid frame of mind these days.
But then there is more traffic on the way back. The new detour they put in is really slowing things down, and I imagine it will only get worse as construction for the new span continues.
Sigh...
So what does this tell me?
I'm not quite sure. I mean clearly snuggling with a cute boy watching weird things is much preferable than venturing out for some fun in the city these days.
But at the same time, it's not because I'm ~getting old~ or ~settling down~. It's because I'm sick to death of everything being an undertaking around here. I want to actually *do* things instead of dealing with drivers cutting me off or bumping into people in overcrowded stores.
I suppose that's the irony of it all. I'm in a big city so that I have lots of stuff to do. But doing anything is such a hassle because it's a big city.
When I get frustrated with it all, I start planning my escape route. To somewhere quiet and sane and surrounded by nature. But lets be realistic... I'd get bored. I'd complain there is nothing ever to do and I'm sick of going to the same restaurant and the same thrift store.
I wish I could find some sort of happy medium, but I haven't really... Denver seems to be the closest so far. Much cheaper rent, but a good goth scene. But I've never actually been there, so who knows.
And when I really start to think of leaving here I freak out a bit, because there really are some good parts to being here, and it seems to have some sort of spell that ultimately wins me over.
However, I need to deal with this stress. It's just getting completely out of control. I'm going from really happy one day, to horribly depressed the next, combined with bouts of bad anxiety, thinking too much about death, my touch sensitivity making it hard for me to get dressed to the point that I melt down. I've even had some moments of psychosis again. And today I broke a mirror.
Bad, bad, bad...
I'm really not in the mood to do therapy again anytime soon. I'm just so over talking about it. Medication doesn't even need to be a consideration, after what happened before there is simply *no way* I will ever touch anything resembling psychiatric medication for the rest of my life.
When I look and see what really works, in the long run, it's stuff like massage from someone who knows what they are doing and can release stored up tension, dancing, aromatherapy, having vacations planned so I have something to look forward to, and feeling spiritually connected.
The dancing I've got covered, and since I've missed the past two Death Guilds it's no wonder I'm chomping at the bit. I need to burn more incense, but that's easy. Massage and Vacations cost money I don't have, but I'm hoping once I'm more financially secure in the near future that I'll be able to invest more in them. As far as the spiritual stuff is concerned... I feel like I've lost my way a bit. I'm trying too hard, and in the wrong areas. I need to just sit more. I need to stop being so boxed in with my routine at home. I need to get off the computer and go walk in the woods.
My biggest fear at this point is that I'll do all that stuff and I'll *still* have terrible depression and anxiety and all that lovely stuff. So I'll move somewhere else, and it follows me there. So I go back into more intensive therapy, and still the same. I try all sorts of alternative options, and then keep ending up back here. And meanwhile everyone around me just leaves, gets sick of me, wonders why I can't find a way to get better, why I don't try harder.
Meanwhile I'm so damn tired of trying. I'm so tired of therapy and I've been out of it for nearly a year. I just do no want to go that route anytime soon, I know it will only drain the hell out of me. But that seems to leave me nowhere, and make me seem like I'm not wanting to get better, when it isn't the case. It's hard to explain...
At this point I've simply come to realize that it's much better to find away to arrange my life so I'm the most happy naturally, than to keep fighting and trying to go against the stream and then be in therapy so that I'm 'doing something'. It makes more sense for me to work on getting my life so that I'm in a situation where most of my time can be devoted to dancing and making hairpieces and taking neat road trips. Because that's what makes me happy. Fuck being responsible. I want to be a happy girl... not a serious woman in therapy.
Clearly the balance has gone too far off. I need more play in my life. I need less sitting in traffic and more driving through bizarre desert landscapes. I need less getting up at 5am and more dancing until 5am.
Sitting around analyzing why I'm depressed will only make me more depressed. Just saying 'fuck-it' already, and embracing the fact that I'm always going to be a young-at-heart weirdo who wants to explore and create and never settle down and get a real job, is what will make me happy.
Now to figure out how to achieve this...
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-[ Wednesday, August 26th 2009 - 5:05pm ]-
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Grey
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I'm going through a really bad depression. The worst I've had in a long time.
Things are dragging on, despite being told that they wouldn't. I'm beyond broke for the time being. It's simply too expensive here. I'm going through all my purses for random change so that I can buy food. I sold a ton of CDs so that I could go out to Death Guild and dance and stay sane.
After this experience I'm never looking at a dollar the same way again. I cannot fathom how wasteful people are, including myself when I had more.
I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm capable of. I'm holding things together, but barely. I have moments of suicidal thoughts, or putting myself back in the hospital. I feel like I'm just never going to get a good grip on life.
Maybe it's just this area. I mean I do have a job, and I work hard at it and I get praise from my coworkers and supervisor. But I can't live off the wages. Not unless I got rid of my cats, my car, and moved into a small room in a bad neighbourhood and ate crap. I want to live, not just survive.
I'd like to imagine that I could live off of my job somewhere else, that's cheaper. Where I don't have to deal with bridge tolls and 45 minute commutes and expensive food.
Do I runaway yet again? To where? Maybe Colorado, Wyoming if I really want to be alone... but what about Daniel? Will I just get depressed there too? What about going back to school? For what?
Ugh.
I'm just tired. Exhausted from work, from noisy neighbours banging shit all night, from trying to live off so little.
I hope at least one part will be over with soon. So that I can focus on the rest. Because I can't last like this forever.
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-[ Wednesday, August 12th 2009 - 7:35pm ]-
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Slam it, Jam it
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I've got my nose to the grindstone right now. Working my ass of at the shelter. We've had a pretty bad ringworm outbreak, ugh.
The word of the summer is 'Workhorse'. That's how I feel, and I love it. I remember when I was a kid on the local soccer team, I would pretend I was a big strong horse when I was chasing down the ball or standing my ground defending the net. Now I plough away at cleaning cages, feeding hungry mouths, and making sure my workspace is neat and clean, the way I like it. It's so nice to feel strong again, and to remember that my high standards and perfectionism aren't always a curse.
While my job has revealed my strong work ethic, it has also revealed that I am far more shy than even I had imagined. Which sucks to say the least. I've heard a couple times now that I'm quiet, it wasn't said to me as if to be negative, just observations. Today we had a going away party for a supervisor and while everyone else was chatting away being all social, I just sat there by myself all awkward and nervous.
My shyness is really starting to frustrate me. I don't like it. I want to be more outgoing and talkative amongst others. But no matter how I seem to try, when I get in those situations my brain just shuts down and I can't think of anything to say and I just freeze. Then I worry I must be coming off as very cold which just makes me more freaked out, and so on. I'm not really sure how to tackle this issue. I've been this way my entire life. I'm going to have to figure something out though, because I really am getting frustrated with my inability to be part of normal social situations.
And on the other side of the coin, my clubbing life keeps improving. A few weeks ago at Death Guild a woman came up to me and said she was a photographer from the Bay Guardian, that she loved my outfit and how it looked in the light and could I stand still so she could get a good shot. So I briefly posed for her, and thought that was kinda neat. Then a week or so ago the Bay Guardian came out with their "Best of the Bay" issue, and Death Guild won "Best Dark Kiss" (haha love it) and there was the picture of me in the paper! Ahaha, crazy, my 15 milliseconds of fame :P
Though I must say I'm rather surprised at the number of people who've come up to me at Death Guild since saying, "hey your picture was in the Guardian right?!". I admit I enjoy it hehe. I guess that's how I compensate for being so shy... by living things up in the place where I feel most at home.
Aside from clubbing, I've been enjoying watching this crazy show with Daniel about 10 people who are in a simulated post-apocalyptic environment trying to survive. It's quite good really and interesting to see how people take on different roles, and how some people work endlessly while others shrink to the sidelines. I guess that's just humanity.
I had a fun Sunday, Daniel and I drove up to Fisherman's Wharf. Not something we would normally do, but a friends of his was visiting and she wanted to check out the Musee Mechanique. It was super crowded since the weather was gorgeous. But being able to play the two player sit-down version of Ms. Pac-Man was totally worth it. Daniel also packed us a picnic lunch complete with salmon & tartar sauce he made himself from duck eggs, he's so awesome! So we walked to a grassy area overlooking the Bay and ate yummy food. I had just commented that day how I missed walking barefoot in grass, and then I got my chance... the Universe is happy with me it seems :)
I cooked Borsch tonight, with fresh ingredients from the Farmer's Market. Despite the tough work days and getting up at 5:15am, I've managed to keep my place super clean. And I'm finally getting a hang of this living super cheap deal. Life is hard, but it's still good... Too easy makes me lazy anyways.
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-[ Sunday, July 26th 2009 - 6:48pm ]-
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Swirling, Swirling over the Golden Gate
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Oh what's going on in my life, more of the same, more of the different.
I feel like I don't journal enough, but never seem to be in the state where everything that is floating around in my head coalesces into a coherent block for long enough for me to write it down. Instead I seem to have profound but fleeting thoughts that flit through my head as I vacuum the carpet or scoop cat litter.
I could run down the list of things that I've been up to, as is the usual course. These would include getting drunk on tropical drinks with Daniel and then going to see Up in 3D (I cried throughout most of it, I'm a softy :P), getting completely wired on the weasel vomit coffee with Daniel and dancing like fiends at Death Guild, munching on post-club-drunken burger goodness and then going home for, well... and getting restless with Daniel on a Friday night and so venturing into the city to find *something* to do and ending up at a Dub night on 6th street amongst the 'colourful' street life. Hmmm, I'm sensing a bit of a theme here.
But there's been so much more than that going on.
On Friday I had a short but intense panic attack about Death in the morning, seemingly out of nowhere. At my lunch break I checked my voice-mail and got a message from my mom saying that my Grandmother's cancer is back and it's not looking good. I don't have a valid passport. I've been putting it off mostly because of the divorce and the possible legal name change back to my maiden name, but also subconsciously and partially-consciously because the last two funerals I went to just so happened to occur when the whole family was together and able to go... so in a weird way I thought that by not being able to go back to Canada I would somehow stave off any future deaths in the family. Not the most intelligent leap of logic I know, but that's how these faulty human brains work unfortunately....
So now I must find someway to get myself to Toronto in the near future. Though I have zero money, no passport, and am already emotionally and physically drained with taking care of homeless cats and dealing with the divorce still hanging over me. It just never ends does it? But that's life.
Whenever I start to get all waaaahhhh life sucks I think of this Kids in the Hall sketch, and somehow I feel much better.
Yeah, Thats-a-life.... Haha. We all go through it, might as well accept it.
So I just work work work, trying to get all my shit sorted, both in terms of my physical stuff and the mental bits inside my head. The work never ends, but if it did, I'd probably just get bored and uninspired.
I want a kitten, and to be Alice once again.
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-[ Sunday, July 19th 2009 - 8:11pm ]-
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Why So Quiet
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Hard to believe it's been two weeks since the mutant fest. Time flies by, but I'm finally at a place where I don't really mind. I'm almost never bored, and there's no rush to accomplish anything other than the next adventure. The rest tends to take care of itself through the existence of desire and passion.
But I suppose I should say some things about the mutant fest rather than just posting pictures.
While on one hand the fest could be seen as another road-trip-slash-outdoor-party, much like the dozens of others I've gone to since moving here, it was in essence the ending to a shift that got set in motion a year ago, some time between Gemini and meeting Daniel.
The Journey began by driving to Ashland, Oregon. We passed through desert with temperatures in the 100's, and then through winding mountain roads with spectacular views of lakes and snow-capped peaks. We even had a magnificent lightening show just after Mount Shasta at the border with Oregon, with some of the brightest and largest bolts I've ever seen. We drove straight into the storm, the temperature dropped 20 degrees within minutes and the rain came down so hard it was like being underwater. And like some strange transition, we made it through into dry land with the temperature jumping right back to where it began. We arrived at the hostel exhausted but in high spirits.
The next day we stocked up on fresh food from the local co-op, soaked up the relaxed energy of Ashland, and then headed into the Umpqua National Forest. Searching for a source of water to fill up Daniel's container resulted in a bit of a detour involving stumbling upon a picturesque waterfall and a small lake resort that felt like a time capsule from childhood. Then it was onto gravel roads to reach the festival.
The Mutant Fest was similar to the previous parties I'd been to, but also rather different in a few key areas. There is no central organization, and no central dance area. Instead various collectives setup their own sound-systems, decorations, and so forth wherever they please. For as large as it is, there's no facilities at all (I've been to renegade parties before but not one that was this large or long). The musical styles were also quite varied, though generally stuck to the electronic and dark side of things.
The scenery was very pretty, with tall cedar and fir trees surrounding two marshy meadows. There was also a medium sized river a short distance away where one could swim during the hot daytime. The only problem with the location was the mosquitoes, which made preparing food a pain in the ass at times. But they went away at night when the main activities occurred, so it wasn't too terrible overall. Daniel and I set up camp near the Katabatik sound-system, next to an interesting wood structure people had built, and a grave marker for a Ranger who used to patrol the area.
The first night involved finishing off some magical Monzie treats that we had at NYE. It was a good way to transition into this altered reality and to connect it back to the previous party, especially since many of the same people were there. We listened to amazing throat singing while this random girl started doing bizarre and sometimes impressive contortions to the music. We did some dancing ourselves, at times it felt like I was in the book Where the Wild Things Are, with all the strange characters moving around me. We explored the various camps, getting a feel for the area and how to get around in the darkness without falling or running into a tree.
By the next morning I was fully in mutant mode, and my worries about the shelter cats and the divorce and the uncertain future were miles and miles away. After skinny dipping in the cold refreshing water I felt very renewed. And our willingness to pick up strangers was rewarded with our now empty Monzie getting some more treats.
That night was to be a rather important night for me. It's hard to explain here, in a public entry... since I don't want to spell things out *too* obviously, though you can try and play along at home haha. You see, while I consider myself not to be a novice at bending the rules of reality, there was one particular area in which I had yet to venture. And not so much of my own doing, or lack of knowing the way, but because my previous partner in crime insisted that I never join him on those trips. This resulted in me having somewhat of a complex about it, as one might imagine. Not only due to feeling controlled, which in probably one of the worst things you can do to a bird-like creature such as myself, but also because it felt like this inequality was being maintained on purpose, as if to keep me in a lower position. And now here was this new person in my life, who knows me well, and they were willing to go with me after a year where someone else wasn't willing even after seven years.
As to the place in particular, if you read the title of Part Five of my pictures, it's rather obvious.
Any fears that I had about my abilities or 'hidden issues' were soon put to rest. I took to things even better than I thought and I had a marvelous time. Most of our evening was spent at Katabatik. The music was otherworldly, and absolutely perfect for my frame of mind. At one point we ended up going to even yet another new place, Dead Man's Territory. It seemed as though if I had taken a second to pause and actually evaluate what was going on, I would have fallen right over due to how far away we had gone. But with no need for concerns, we slipped right in to this new world and danced and moved amongst each other like strange figures in some Salvador Dali painting. I felt so at home and yet so far away from the real world.
It's hard to really describe the night, but an attempt would involve long-haired cave men dancing like owls one second and playing death metal the next, swirling around like wraiths, traversing past Liopleurodon Puddles (don't get sucked into the portal! remember what side it is on), over temporary bridges and fallen trees, and relaxing on soft cozy cushions or under a chandelier that somehow made itself home in the middle of the forest.
The night made me feel extremely close with Daniel, I felt so safe with him, and it seemed natural for us to be constantly at one another's side. I was so happy that I got to experience this with him. And the evening ended on a perfect note, with us wandering down to the meadow to watch the sun rise by ourselves. It was so peaceful and romantic. Then it was back to the coziness of our tent, to fall asleep curled up together.
Unfortunately with every high there comes a low. Or in other terms, we live in an imperfect reality. The previous night's bliss was shattered by the screams of some guy outside our tent. Stuff about getting the fuck away from him and other such hostile stuff. It was hard at first to piece together what was going on. I had only slept a few hours. I opened up the window in the tent expecting to see a fight, but it was only one person, who was freaking completely out, falling all over the place and screaming at invisible people to leave him alone.
He started smashing through our kitchen, knocking over our tables and stove. We got out of our tent, as did some people around us. Attempts were made to calm him down, give him water, get him to the main road. But he was extremely out of it, and violent, so there wasn't much anyone could do. No one knew who he was. Eventually he thrashed his way further down the hill and out of our area. Later in the day we talked to other people we knew who had encounters with him too, but no one knew him or knew exactly what the deal was.
At first it seemed like a funny story, some random guy gets messed up and passes like a tornado through our campsites. Things started to take a bad turn when I found his pants by our tent. I looked through them quickly to see if he had lost his wallet, so we could perhaps get it back to him and such. Well I found drugs, and his wallet, and his only ID was a felony card. Urk.
Things got *extremely* bad that evening when I was getting dressed and Daniel came to the tent saying he had something to tell me and I could tell by the tone that it wasn't going to be good. Turns out the guy was found dead, face down in the meadow. Daniel had seen the body to help identify him. I was pretty shocked, needless to say. I'd never been at a party where someone had died before. People speculated that he overdosed on something, but who knows really. Daniel took the pants down to the meadow. The Rangers were called and they showed up later in the night to remove the body. And that was that.
I'd like to say that such a thing had some huge profound effect on me, but I guess in reality it didn't, at least not in comparison to the very positive events of the night before. Perhaps it sounds completely cruel, but people die all the time, and that's just life. I mean I feel bad, and really wish there was *something* we could have done, but given how things went down there really wasn't, and I didn't know him at all. It was strange though thinking how you could see someone alive one moment and then the next you know they are gone. That's always the thing that freaks me out about death.
The rest of the trip was more mellow, a slow journey back to every day life. We stopped at Ashland for the night again. And the next day explored the city. It ended up leaving a much stronger impression on me than I thought it would. There's a freshness to it, and to other parts of Oregon. A feeling that life is on the verge of new growth and opportunity, a chance to really start coming back together and piecing together communities the way they ought to be. It's quite the contrast to California, where so much of the focus tends to be on the decay, the downfall.
It's funny how a few days off on some adventure can encapsulate life as a whole. The combining of people into new life, the death of others. It's really quite amazing really. And more and more one sees that the key to it all is to just let go of the fear and continue on.
Not much else to say about it.
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